A Servants Heart

A servant is a person who does duties for others, a devoted and helpful follower. If we pause for a moment, we can all think of at least one person who we know that is always doing for others. Sometimes this person is doing for their community at large and other times they are doing on a smaller level. I recently read a book about All Saints Day to my 2nd grade catechism students. They were fascinated by how these saints were a beautiful mix of people who served in big ways and others that served in small ways. We discussed how many of the canonized saints did big things and even gave their lives, but others simply loved the people around them.

I have been reflecting on the life of my Gram. I am not sure she would ever call herself a servant, let alone a servant of God. Yet, that is exactly what she was. She was a servant to her family, church, and without even realizing it end up serving around the world. See like we believers are His arms and legs throughout the world my Gram is a servant around the world through each and every one of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Touching hearts in small ways reaches hearts for lifetimes in places beyond our reach.

My Gram found herself raising 8 children born within 10 years. As I understand it, they were active children that found all sorts of ways to have fun. She raised them by doing it all, cooking, cleaning, cutting hair, canning, and still attending church. Though she may tell you she only went to have time away for the peace and quiet. I always found it interesting that she and Grandpa took turns going to church until the kids had received their First Communion.

My Grandfather died in his 50s when they still had children at home and in their teens. So, now she is a single parent to those 8 children and some of whom are now married with children. She met the challenge of raising those kids and helping to care for her grandchildren. She was always cooking, cleaning, canning, cutting hair, and singing in the choir. I remember spending the night at her house as often as I could and attending Mass with her. It was so exciting to me to see her singing in the choir.

As time went on, she began to have what we came to call monthly birthday breakfast where we all gathered to celebrate all the birthdays of the month. There were piles of pancakes, eggs, sausage, and toast with homemade jam. If anyone walked into her home with us there, because so many others did make their way into our family, they would see her buzzing around making sure every need was taken care of. There she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying the rosary. I have fond memories of so many that were welcomed into our family because my Gram opened her heart & door to them.

As I grew older, I came to learn about what me Gram meant to others. It has been such a blessing to hear she was just always so kind. Or that she was just the sweetest lady. She was spreading love to her community when she played cards, shopped at the local grocery stores, and behind the counter as a bank teller. Even when she was doing that she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying. She was just always willing to do for others but many times the way she DID for others was just showing love.

Looking at her children and my cousins I see hard workers, people who strive, but who are always willing to give. They give by opening their homes and cooking for members in their community. Like handing out food to the needy in the streets of Seattle. They give by cleaning in ways of helping a neighbor rake leaves, or like making sure people in poor communities have fresh water. They give by canning up the love she gave them and handing it out in heaping piles throughout all the land by smiling, hugging, sharing compassion, finding ways to be kind, and giving more than they receive. She set an example of giving in her way for the purpose He gave her and then her many arms and legs have taken that to a greater level.

Walking through my Gram’s home you will find Him in every room with sayings, statues, or other artwork. My Gram may not have told you to get to church but she set an example of someone that was fed at her church and spilled that into the lives of those around her. I later learned she prayed her rosary many times a day with the intention of her family. She trusted us all to Him and how hard that is to do. She sat in her chair praying for us . . . each and every one of us every single day. Look around and see what her prayers have done. I pray we all can pick up where she left off because there are still many generations to our tree to come.

At All Saints Day Mass, November 1, 2022, Father Cotter gave the best homily for me in that moment. He shared the stories for some great Saints that were martyred for their faith. He went on to say, “but today is not their day they have their own feast day. Today is for all the moms, dads, single men & women that all served Him in their small ways each and every day. Today is the day we celebrate those saints in Heaven.” That was special for many reasons because I had just labeled our Gram our Patron Saint the night before.

I end with . . . Gram she would ask, “What should I do?” several times during my time with her at the end of her life. She just wanted to be doing. I told her it was time for her to finally sit down at the table and rest . . . to sit at His table and rest. Once she said, “Who will do the dishes?” I told her, “Gram, you raised us well, it is our turn to do the dishes.” So, my dear uncles, aunts, and cousins I challenge you to pick up your towel and get the dishes done . . .the dishes of prayer, the dishes of serving your communities, the dishes of passing on the faith to all you meet, the dishes of welcoming others into your embrace, the dishes of being who she raised us all to be.

Holy Spirit Moments

As long as I can remember I have had vivid dreams and sensations that someone was near. You know those dreams you wake up from and you can recall every detail right down to numbers and colors. Or those moments when the hair stands up on the back of your neck. Even when you get goosebumps when someone shares something with you. I bet others have JUST KNOWN they should do something and WOW later learn it was a good thing they did. How about those moments when an image flashes through your mind. I can’t be the only one. Whose with me?

I have had many moments over the past 30 years, but I will focus today on moments in the past 10 years. One day I recall feeling a great disconnect with God and frustrated in with feeling at my whits end. I was sitting in the middle of my living room and cried out to Him to show me my purpose. Just then a song played that told me my purpose for that season was to raise up my children to be Children of God.

Another moment not long after that I was once again praying in my living room (so strange since I spend the least amount of my time in that room). Feeling wrought with fear, anxiety, and worry. This was an ongoing fear for most of my life. I had lived with great fear of loss and anytime I prayed I heard in my head different versions of “you have nothing to fear” or “you all are guarded”. Yet, in this moment I just seemed to be so lost. I cried, “Lord, I am over this. I can not continue to feel this way. I will not pass this anxiety on to my kids. Please take it. Please show me, in my human weakness, that You GOT THIS!” I felt a wave wash over me. I turned towards a window that gave me a clear view of our entry door to see a soldier angel standing guard, saw flash in my mind of the same type of angels hovering around our house, and heard in my mind what seemed to be an audible voice, but was not, “Now do you believe me. Go be Bold! Your family is heavily guarded!” Those angels had the most beautiful wings with browns & golds that radiated light. The one at our door was armored up and I have since learned wearing the exact armor Paul writes about in Ephesians 6. It was within that year I had lunch with a friend, who without knowing this happened, grabbed my hand in prayer and said, “Be bold, Kelly, BE BOLD!” Well, that was my conviction. Boldness out of a person that spent years avoiding confrontation and living with fear of bad news was no easy transition.

It took about five years for me to get to a place where I felt more comfortable speaking up. Which is about the same time I restarted my blog. Also, around this time God placed a heavy burden on my heart, but before I get to that I want to share two other visions I had that are also connected. The first was before I went to vote in the 2016 election. I really struggled and prayed a great deal about this election. In my mind, there was no clear direction for casting my vote. I prayed without ceasing going up to the vote. I asked God to give me something to confirm my vote was the right vote and to trust that His will would prevail. As I placed my pencil down, I saw a white angel wing press down upon my hand. This confirmed I was casting my vote correctly. Then in March, 2019, my dearest friend went home to be with the Lord. In May of that year, I was back in church for the first time since her funeral, feeling her loss, and the weight of this burden I mentioned above. I was kneeling in prayer, asking God to once again show me He is in fact here working. To show me He is with me. To show me He needs me to be bold. I looked up to the front of our big, beautiful church to see the biggest angel hovering over our altar with wings spread wide and dressed again for battle. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out in tears from the sight of it. Tears did fall, but I kept them under control. To this day I believe it was St Michael the Archangel. I felt God was reminding me of this burden to pray, telling me it was time to pick up my sword, and sharing a grand message that He was engaged in a spiritual battle.

This burden I was led to pray about, that I saw everywhere in all areas of my life, the burden of division, of the great divide, of our inability to listen. Almost simultaneously I was drawn to the Holy Spirit. I felt like the Holy Spirit was the warrior our world needed. In fact, Jesus told the disciples he had to leave so the Spirit of Truth could come. Jesus knew we needed the Holy Spirit. I began almost a meditative prayer anytime I felt called. I would pray “Come, Holy Spirit, Come. Please move like a wave across our land revealing ALL truth. Opening all eyes, including mine, to the lies of the devil & all who do his will. Please Holy Spirit cleanse our world from all corruption & lies. Your people are hurting. Your world is hurting. Save us.” Then it happened one night while praying this, I saw a ribbon of light that was winding itself, like a figure-eight, over our land. I could feel a change coming. I thought it was a fluke thing until it began to happen over and over again. Then I began to see things coming to light in our world. Facts and evidence being revealed. In recent months, this vision has moved through the following phases to the one it is at today. From the figure-eight ribbon over the United States. Second, a circular ribbon flowing like a wheel around the entire earth that has gradually increased in speed. Third, a wideband still around the earth moving so fast you can barely see that it is moving. (The best I can explain this is, if you have seen the Thor movies and can visualize the bridge between worlds, that is what this looks like but wrapped around the world.) Fourth, the same wideband but racing on it, almost as if to keep it moving, was a silver-white pegasus with a male rider. Fifth, no rider, but a thin wheel moving extremely fast. Finally, the band is gone and there are two horses/pegasus racing around the earth. I can see dirt flying from their hooves. I can see they are larger than life on earth. I can see they are the white-silver one and a brown-gold one. I can see there are two riders. They are armored again like Paul describes to battle the enemy. I hear them calling us to armor ourselves up and prepare to battle the enemy.

It has been so surreal to watch these events unfold before my eyes and know that the Holy Spirit is at work in a big, powerful way. Here we are facing a great divide that stands to defeat us if we don’t armor up against the real enemy, the invisible enemy, that comes to seek & destroy. I feel like my role in this is to share my visions with you and to continue to pray for truth to be revealed.

I will end with this, I have also had several dreams and so have my kids. I will share those with you, but friends have shared with me other visions from different people they have read. One calls us to STAND FIRM as the waves come pouring in. Another saw a demon and when he asked the demon who it was the response was three things, but the greatest was GREED. The corruption to be revealed is rooted in centuries of greed by principalities & rulers of this world, that have sought to hold God’s people in bondage so they can control the wealth of the world. Only time will tell, but it is my belief we will see it all unfold at a rapid rate.

Remember Ephesians 6. It is time to put on your Armor of God!

For Nichole

Below you will find what I wrote in the middle night after my sweet friend of nearly 30 years passed away and read at her service the evening before her funeral. Nichole used to call us “sister friends” because over the years we behaved like sisters. We fought, we spoke our mind, we cried with each other, we laughed until our sides hurt, we dreamed together, etc. One thing she always told me was that I had a gift of words whether spoken or written. I still doubt that and am trying really hard to have that faith in myself as she had in me.

A few years ago I woke up to the words “Finding Him Beside Her” running through my head … I assumed it was the title to a book about myself I was supposed to write. It has yet to get very far. Then other ideas about helping others share their story have come to me. Finally, when I was writing this you will notice that as I was typing the end I did not even think about it until the words were typed out “helping her find Him beside her” that I just let the tears fall. The Holy Spirit leads us and stays with us until we finally get it. I think this moment with Nichole has confirmed many things for me about my own journey, but first I need sometime to figure out life without her in it. For now please read the words that I believe she wanted to share with everyone. I believe there are still more things she will want me to share with you, but that will be later.

Hello my name is Kelly Knieper. I am a friend of Nichole’s, one of the sassy friends.

We have been friends since High School, but over the last few years I feel fortunate to have shared something more with her.

The summer after her diagnosed Nichole and I escaped to Tawas for a weekend. We had some pretty deep talks about death, friendship, faith, and other random girl talk. It seems that one of these conversations had me promising to never ask her questions and to let her be in charge of all conversation that revolved around her. I ended up promising her that the only question I would ask was “How are you today?” She laughed at that and then looked me straight in the face “I will hold you to that promise.” The next morning and days to come I wondered what I had done.

Well, guess what? You can learn a great deal about a person when you listen and watch them. Wait in the silence for them to share their heart. I did keep my promise I never had a clue what med she was on or when her appointments were. I HATED it at times. It was really hard living in a state of unknown, but what I learned about my dearest friend and what she asked me to help her with means so much more.

One day I received a text from her that she just finished reading a Karen Kingsbury book with some ladies at work. She knew I have read her books for years. She asked me why I did not do more to encourage her to read them before now. She shared with me how nice it was to read stories about people that struggled, but also had great faith. From that day forward I started to hear her talk more about faith. It was something different than attending Mass, or even just a general faith talk, it was more about who God was to her.

In the fall of 2017 we made plans to go to Nashville. A trip we had always talked about taking. In March 2018 she approached me about changing the dates of the trip to be able to attend a book signing by Karen Kingsbury. In all honesty, I did not want to switch the dates, because it would mean I would get home JUST in time for our dance recital. We were at the Barnes & Noble waiting and looking at books when the power went out. We waited an hour at tables wondering if the event would be cancelled. They could let us stay, but they could not let others in. Then Nichole noticed a pretty nice SUV pull up and IMMEDIATELY the lights came on. It was crazy. Karen shared with us that evening that on their way to the bookstore her husband felt the need to pray for the event. There were only about ten people in attendance that night so the event was set up like a round table type event. Listening to others share the impact her stories have had on their lives and hearing about the stories she was working on made for a very special evening. At the end of the event, Nichole and I walked out of the building to a FULL rainbow. Once we were in the car Nichole was very quiet for a while. Eventually, she said “That was a very powerful evening for me. I can’t quite put it all into words, but I do know that writers can change lives and I NEED you to write more. I know you do not believe in yourself, but I believe God gives you words. I love how you love Jesus, like He is your best friend. I also know that I want to learn more about that.” I told her, “You can! God is my Father, Jesus is my friend, and the Spirit is my guide. You can have that, too.”

The next day we visited a bookstore in Franklin that one of Karen’s books is based on. I felt so blessed to hear her having a wonderful conversation with the owner about his faith, asking him questions about Jesus, books, and sources she could learn more about having a personal relationship with Jesus.

Over those three years we also had many other conversations over breakfast, the phone, text messages that grew after each of our bigger events. One day we were at the Barnes & Noble in Flint (yea we liked bookstores) where she ended up asking me to go through the christian book section for more good fiction, devotions, some titles on healing some of her emotions, and what I may have read to develop my relationship with Jesus.

This past summer she mentioned her mom told her she should write a book, but she wasn’t sure about an actual book. She mentioned wanting to share her story though and asked about her and I doing some sort of blog together. We talked about a name and topics we would talk about. I had an event coming up at our church. So I gave her homework and we were to get started in October, but October came and went. We never did get past that point.

Today I think she would want everyone to know she came to know Jesus in a very personal way and THAT brought her a “peace beyond understanding.” I know that is why she was not afraid to go and why she knew everyone she left would be okay. Yes, we did have that conversation, too. If was brief, but we both had lost enough people we loved to know those left behind would be okay. She had come to experience His love and knew she was headed somewhere pretty special. Maybe that is why she asked me to help share her story 6 months ago. She wanted me here right now telling you that she knew you/we would all be okay, especially if we had Jesus by our side.

One last thing about her journey that I believe brought her to the point of asking me to help her find that friendship with Him. As some of you know Nichole was a big Wonder Woman fan. I on the other hand am a Marvel fan so I have a Captain Marvel story that I think describes Nichole. No spoilers…I promise! So, there is this scene where Carol (Captain Marvel) is held captive and being forced to watch scenes from her life. Scenes of people abusing her, of people bullying her, of people knocking her down, and of people telling her she wasn’t good enough. Then as a viewer you get a glimpse of Carol and you can tell she is getting stronger. Next back to all those flashbacks and what do you see, but Carol getting back up EVERY single time and FACING her attackers. That is the moment that Captain Marvel … well I did say no spoilers. Yet, I can tell you that scene will forever remind me of Nichole’s life and her strength. How no matter what people threw at her, did to her, said to her, etc she continually got back up and FACED everything head on. I recall a time she was doubting her strength and I reminded her all she had already survived. She had the faith all along…she just needed a little help FEELING it. So, I may have led her to finding Him beside her, but she taught me about being BRAVE … the past 27 years I watched her get back up and face life with grace, kindness, and forgiveness.

I love you my sweet, dear, beautiful friend. You better be at the gates to greet me!

 

“Why I Go To Church.”

DISCLAIMER:  Hello! Welcome to my blog. I want all readers to be aware that my posts are about my journey, but are always written as thoughts come to mind. I do some editing, but for me it takes away from the emotion I am trying to convey. This the blog is ME … REAL and … well … RAW. I hope you enjoy my style. If not, there are plenty of us bloggers out there I am sure you will find one you enjoy. Thanks!

I have been working through many things lately as I sort through anxiety about being made to be uncomfortable. Since January I have been praying a prayer asking God to Stretch my faith like the man in Mark 3:5. Jesus said to him “Stretch out your hand.” The man did and he was restored. To me it isn’t the restoration … It isn’t the message the overall chapter sends to the pharisees … it is that the man KNEW what would happen by stretching out his hand … HE KNEW HE WOULD be restored. I have known for QUITE sometime I still had wounds to be healed, fears to overcome, but I never realized what I was doing wasn’t really getting me there. I realized it was one of those “Go Big or Go Home” type things. I know I am being called to certain things in my life, but I am also not ready, yet. I could sense God telling me now is the time … “Trust Me. Stretch out your hand.” So I did … in January and since I have been asking Him to stretch me….sometimes not wanting to.

In so many ways this year has been the hardest year of my life. I have hid it pretty well from the majority of people in my life or even glossed it over. I am unsure how many really knew how many nights or moments in my car I have cried from the amount of pain I was in … the spiritual and emotional pain of stretching has been almost unbearable. So, many times I cried out that I could not do this anymore and literally feel the air leave me with a “YES YOU CAN! Now keep coming … keep stretching we are almost there.” The number of nights I have been awake with full on anxiety attacks … visions of great things, but full anguish at what I was seeing that had to be done. One of those nights was last night …

I seen why … I seen where my heart is at … I seen why I have to keep moving forward … see I have looked into the eyes of nothing, I have seen what empty people look like, I have seen complete despair, I have felt shame, …. yet I also know a LOVE greater than it all.

I recall in my first 5 years of teaching some very powerful lesson happened for me that set me on my journey to peace within my self … to finding Him beside me … to NOW finding Him WITHIN ME!

I see the face on a student that did NOTHING in my classes. By nothing I mean NOTHING … no work, no talking, not a BAD kid AT ALL. I vividly remember giving him his papers one day and the kids (Some of his buddies) saying “Kaneeps (a nickname) why do you bother giving him papers  no one else does. He won’t do them anyway.” I replied without hesitating “Well, because I won’t give up on any of you and today might be the day.” That student stayed after class that day. I walked to his desk, turned a desk toward his, face to face we sat, and I said “One day you will make a decision to change things for yourself. On your journey I want you to see Jesus in me … that I can love you unconditionally because He does … You matter!” Tears streamed down his face and he said “Just you and one other person has ever told me I matter … Just you ever told me about Jesus and that you love me.” When I looked into his eyes I seen brokenness I had never seen before…emptiness that was filled with great sorrow.

I see the face of the student … students that have since taken  their lives. I see the faces of students who are now in jail. I remember faces of students that I suspected used drugs … that were so very very lost. Those faces haunted me then and haunt me still. I recall one morning feeling completely eaten up by it all … behavior, poor management, their lives, the struggles they faced, etc. I sat at my desk and asked God to show me WHY I WAS THERE!!!! Maybe I demanded it. I randomly opened my Bible to Esther chapter 4 and my eyes literally landed on “Possibly you were born for such a time as this.” Well, there you have it sister you have cried out, I have answered, and YOU ARE CALLED. I would never have survived those years without the co-worker of mine across the hallway. She showed me Jesus in such REAL ways. She led me to really face some raw stuff. Between the kids and her … I found a peace, love, and grace inside me.

Now after being home 10 years I still keep in touch with MANY of those students … it saddens me to see the struggles they still have, but I also see how some have turned things around and found JOY…found Jesus. Specifically I see the face of another student that was headed to major trouble if he didn’t die first … leave … turn his life around and become someone I admire. God’s Grace.

I seen that co-worker about 4 years ago over dinner. She told me to “Be Bold” … Not exactly my cup of tea. So much has happened over the past ten years of me raising kids … crying in the middle of my trashed living room with a 6, 3, and 2 year old racing around … crying out to God again “What am I doing wrong? Can I possibly be doing right by them? I feel so lost from everything.” When on my christian radio station played a song “Do Everything” by Steven Curtis Chapman … https://youtu.be/FEqdDdvFXZ0 … “You are picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today” Can you imagine I was literally on the living room floor picking up toys. “Matching up socks sweeping up lost cheerios that got away” literally my kitchen was just as bad. “And while I may not know you I bet I know you wonder sometimes if it matters at all Well let me remind you it all matters just as long as you do everything you do to the glory of the one who made you cause he made you to do everything little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face and to tell the story of grace with every move that you make and every little thing that you do” …. I never heard the rest of the song instead I heard “I made you to be their Mom … I chose you … I came before you, I have been here already, I am ahead of you … I NEED you to be their Mom knowing all I know about your heart, the mistakes you have made and will make, I need you to walk with them on this leg of their journey.” That was 7 years ago. Still more growing has happened to get me to the past 9 months. That is when I found Him BESIDE me.

Almost a year ago now I became a leader of a ministry at our church and the current leader asked me to share some of my story with the group. I remember feeling great anxiety about it. I remember seeing a vision of myself peeling off a large scab … no band-aide … it was a crusted over wound that felt healed up, but it wasn’t … it was actually infected with fear, insecurity, doubt, shame, … out it all poured. So real healing could happen. This and the past 9 months … last night really was when I found Him WITHIN me.

So, why do I go to church … I go to church (with a lower case c) because His Church needs me…because of what His Church has done for me. That church I attend is His … not ours … it is His building that He opens doors so broken, hurting, sinful people can come to His altar to stretch out their hand to receive His restoration … His life saving Grace … His life saving offering. I go because there are so many faces pushing me to go … so many lost … so many that found hope because I allowed/allow Him to use me. See church is just a building that He uses to build His Church … to build His team … to build His army for eyes, ears, hearts, feet, and hands! When I attend Mass it is getting myself refueled to go out and allow myself to be used. These days church can be a dark place in itself … it has failed in many ways … ALL types of church has failed, but …. Attending is NOT ABOUT anyone, anything … other than Him and I. It does not matter what someone says or does … about who is there or who is not … about how the Mass goes … and really it is not about what church I attend … it is about SHOWING UP FOR HIM … for His Church … for the broken, for the empty eyes staring back at me, for the hurt, for the GRACE .. to restore my own brokenness so I can be His arms and reach out to those Stretching to me … those that have not quite figured out He is as there for them as He is for me.

Attached are 5 songs that I think will forever be a driving force in my soul … besides the one above.

Are Your Expectations the Problem?

About a year ago I really started praying about my relationships with people and why some had anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, tension, etc. What God revealed to me was really not a shock, but was a light bulb moment that completely changed me and all my relationships. So let me explain …

I think the thing I love about the Old Testament Stories and the lessons we learn from the Pharisees attacks on Jesus were how God used people we wouldn’t expect (a girl like Esther, a simple soldier like Joshua), people we would judge (like the pharisees judged), people with a past (a prostitute like Rahab), etc. Thinking about these people and their stories and even the parables Jesus told, I became curious about what the word Grace meant in Hebrew or Greek.  I found that in the Old Testament the word used is chesed meaning deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It can also mean enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation. In the New Testament the word used is Charis, which focuses on the provision of salvation.

Let’s LOOK and THINK on that for a moment … chesed word in the Old Testament for Grace DELIVERANCE FROM ENEMIES … FROM AFFLICTION … FROM ADVERSITY.  So, by Grace I am delivered from my enemies, from affliction, from adversity. WHEN I extend GRACE (chesed can also mean forgiveness) I am DELIVERED. Are you holding onto unforgiveness that could deliver you … could FREE YOU?

NEXT LOOK and THINK about charis the New Testament word for Grace a provision for salvation … PROVIDES SALVATION … extending grace provides ME WITH SALVATION!!! Again, are you holding onto bitterness, anger, tension …. that if you extended grace/forgiveness would SET YOU FREE??

Okay, so after you have a hold of anything that is keeping you from real freedom move on in reading. 

So, I have in mind those people or circumstances that get me all hot and bothered … irritated … down right angry. Am I free? NOPE! Here is how He tied together my life verse and little tid-bits I pulled from Bible Studies. How He brought ME freedom from the bondage of my anger, bitterness, etc. So, here is what God revealed to me in that moment.

IT IS ALL IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF, OF OTHERS, AND OF EVEN ME, MY DAUGHTER!

I can truthfully say it wasn’t a shocker, but I did cry. Just let the tears fall as I seen everything in my life in a new and different way. As my heart softened toward every person in my life…in my world…in the world. NOW to add I am not talking about giving a free pass to evil … The Holy Spirit gives us Discernment for a reason. So, let me explain what I mean …

That person or circumstance that brings up all those negative emotions that let’s be honest keep us in bondage … keep us from truly living a full life…do we feel what we feel about them or the event because of our expectations of how one should behave? How the event should have gone? How evil the person was that violated you? How God took that person from here rather than protecting them or curing them? Etc…

So, really take time to think about that right now….how do your expectations of your self, parents, children, relatives, friends, neighbors, church members, leaders, etc….. play into those negative feelings? 

So, NOW you have the negative feeling named and you have identified your own ROLE in that situation. How your expectations played a part? Here now is where we get real … you can not control anyone ever!!

This is why God frees us by our own actions alone! So, someone violates you … by forgiving them does nothing for them it FREES YOU. By realizing you expect people to never hurt another person does not take into account the real power of evil in our world…it does not take into account the control mental illness plays in the lives of others. AGAIN … I am not giving a free pass, but what I am saying is God frees you when you forgive and LET HIM handle the other side…the other person. You get to move on and live the full life He has for you.

I expect God to take away all the suffering TODAY … I am me … He is God. He loves beyond my understanding. He knows beyond my understanding. He gave more than I can ever give. Who am I to expect anything more that what He promised with a Baby and a Cross … TO LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT.

So, here I am in my expectations … I expect myself to be my best ALL THE TIME, I expect my husband to be romantic and spend plan great date nights, I expect our parents to love taking the kids so we can have date nights regularly, I expect my friends to know I am in need of a hug or a text, I expect my kids to always be awesome, etc …. OKAY NOW I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD … I expect my neighbors to not be racist, I expect my government leaders to follow the Lord and do His will, I expect the people who disagree with me to know we both still deserve our rights, etc ..

I realized that these expectations were what was hurting all my relationships. I would get upset at a person for NOT doing or behaving what I expected of them and there a wedge would be built. Built on anger or frustration the devil will use because I opened the door for him to use it. These expectations of the people, who legitimately hurt me and deserved punishment. Here I expected that their punishment would set me free. Or I expected that person to be something they really never were. Regardless though … by focusing on the situation or the person and how I expected it all to play out I was not free. To be free I had to extend Grace … let go of my expectations and leave them to God.

So, is it clear yet how our expectations HOLD US IN BONDAGE …. are the problem? Maybe, but one more point … why our expectations are a bit silly when we think of how God has used people or circumstances to bring freedom…a freedom that changes worlds … that lasts beyond generations.

Now how he connected some dots for me … The past 5 years I have LOVED doing a Jesse Tree during Advent with our kids. I was just fascinated by the lineage of Jesus and the journey of our faithful ancestors while they waited thousands of years for a savior. That is powerful to me … THOUSANDS of years … I struggle with thinking we have only waiting 2000 years for a 2nd coming…THE FINAL coming.

What helped me get free was reading through the grace God extended in His journey to bringing us Jesus … in the people He CHOSE to use. When I look at this I get a clear image of how WRONG I am in expecting things of people when they are just unable to give for reasons I may never know. Or expecting people CANNOT do something because of my perceptions or what I expect of people “like them” when God has an awesome plan for them.

My life verse comes from the book of Esther. One day before my class had started I was praying and asking God why I was here … here teaching a struggling group of kids … here in my life facing what I was facing… I randomly opened my Bible to Mordecai telling Esther “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Different translations word it a bit differently …”maybe you were born for just such a time as this?”  I have looked at me life differently from that point forward. YES I WAS BORN IN THIS TIME FOR A REASON … FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. Esther was a simple girl, a Jew, that became a queen, a chosen queen. She was not only chosen by the king, but she was born for such a time chosen by THE KING to set her people free. A poor simple girl reached out from where she was to the poor and suffering to free them…to help raise them up. She set aside her expectations of herself, of the king, and she responded to God’s call and The Blessings came!

When I was studying the book of Joshua I met a prostitute named Rahab that stuck with me. When working on the Jesse Tree I came to understand why … she was one of Jesus’ ancestors. Yes, she was a desperate sinful women that seen these men planning their attack on her city, BUT somehow she knew they would in fact destroy her city. She helped them, she reached out and saved them, saved her family, … she was born for such a time and she responded to God’s call on her life. She was forgiven and she became a many Great-Grandmother to THE KING. God chose a prostitute to help carry on the lineage of Jesus. God chose a prostitute to help carry His will … to eventually bring me a savior.

Now I could share more stories for the imperfect people God chose to do great things, to be apart of Jesus’ lineage, but my point is … we hold onto so much because we expect so much or so little … God just wants us to be willing to be used. To be free of all bondage so He can use us to the fullest. To let go and willingly run into His arms and be blessed with a pure full unhindered love … a life beyond our dreams.

Now take some time to let go of expectations … let go of the emotions attached to them … focus on listening to His call … RUN TO HIM and say “Lord, I was born for such a time as this USE me!”

 

 

Do You Need a Time Budget?

Journaling ….

Today our kids and I started our day at a lake here in Michigan with family. It was our last day with them and we were sad to leave, but happy to be on our way home. Several times during the time we spent with them I reflected on how I used to push myself to be more, do more so I could have more, desire more time, etc. Are you ever that way? Wanting more time with anyone you love? Wanting more money to do whatever it is you desire to do with it? (Hopefully, good things.) Wanting more time in a day do all the things we think we should be doing? Or to do the things we crave doing? (i.e. crafts, reading, writing, hunting, etc.)

Well, this evening when we arrived home, unloaded our things, and began the task of putting it all away I found myself thinking about people I wanted to reach out to, time I wanted to spend with our kids (guys I home school … I am with our kids nearly 7 days a week 24 hours a day), so I should say spend QUALITY non-school time with our kids, planning a weekend with my husband…dang even just a date would be nice, on and on my mind went. Then it landed on writing and in that very moment our daughter commented,” Mom maybe since Dad will not be working any weekends this summer you can get a new bike, we can get a seat for the littlest one, and we can go on bike rides?” I so loved the idea of ALL these thoughts and things running through me head. Those of you that know me know how much they were all sucking me in. Ha! I started to feel anxiety and thinking “I can not do all these things and be all I need to be for everyone in my life and … LORD, I still REALLY want to read, watch TV sometimes, and Lord don’t you know I also need to check in to Facebook? How will people survive without my posts?” Okay I didn’t really think ALL that in that moment, but it hit me later when that same daughter in a conversation said “You didn’t hear me because you were on your phone.” Now don’t get me wrong I am NOT on my phone often at all, BUT honestly I am on it more than I should be and apparently enough to miss my kids needing me.

So, I looked began to look at my time as having to be budgeted like money. Just like we need to look at our spending to monitor where the money goes. We need to do the same thing with our time. When we look at money we list our NEEDS and priorities as expenses to include first, and then we add in the extras and make cuts. Well, the same is true about our time. We need to make a list of the things that NEED to be done for God, our family, home, and health. Then we add in the extras and/or cut things out. NOW sometimes we may need to do this right down to the minute to flush bad habits. For me the only thing I need to CUT out is checking my phone. I am sure when that bad habit is flushed God will reveal another … won’t you Lord. I am sure there are plenty, but one at a time. So, make your ‘time budget’ and let me know how it changed or didn’t change your day. Here is the kicker we get worried if we listen to what God wants us to do then we will never have time for what we want, but He ALWAYS makes time for all you need when you put what He needs first. ALWAYS! Sort of like when your kids do their chores you bless them with free time or some other reward.

Now … how I really got through my anxiety was just sitting down to prayers and making time to write…type out my thoughts. Again no grammar check. Just free flow. Sorry to the grammar police.

Final thought

” All the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever sailed, and all the parliaments that ever sat, and all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man upon this earth as powerfully as has this on solitary life.” Dr. James Allan Francis

If that is not clear, he is referring to Jesus. So, if all those people didn’t affect life here like Jesus who am I to think I can. So, each day just ask Him to set your time budget for the day and be intentional about sticking to it.

As always I am praying for you, please pray for me. Could you pray I set the anxiety stick down and just step out and live each day by faith? Thank you!!