Journal

A Servants Heart

Family Life, Journal, Reflections
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A servant is a person who does duties for others, a devoted and helpful follower. If we pause for a moment, we can all think of at least one person who we know that is always doing for others. Sometimes this person is doing for their community at large and other times they are doing on a smaller level. I recently read a book about All Saints Day to my 2nd grade catechism students. They were fascinated by how these saints were a beautiful mix of people who served in big ways and others that served in small ways. We discussed how many of the canonized saints did big things and even gave their lives, but others simply loved the people around them.

I have been reflecting on the life of my Gram. I am not sure she would ever call herself a servant, let alone a servant of God. Yet, that is exactly what she was. She was a servant to her family, church, and without even realizing it end up serving around the world. See like we believers are His arms and legs throughout the world my Gram is a servant around the world through each and every one of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Touching hearts in small ways reaches hearts for lifetimes in places beyond our reach.

My Gram found herself raising 8 children born within 10 years. As I understand it, they were active children that found all sorts of ways to have fun. She raised them by doing it all, cooking, cleaning, cutting hair, canning, and still attending church. Though she may tell you she only went to have time away for the peace and quiet. I always found it interesting that she and Grandpa took turns going to church until the kids had received their First Communion.

My Grandfather died in his 50s when they still had children at home and in their teens. So, now she is a single parent to those 8 children and some of whom are now married with children. She met the challenge of raising those kids and helping to care for her grandchildren. She was always cooking, cleaning, canning, cutting hair, and singing in the choir. I remember spending the night at her house as often as I could and attending Mass with her. It was so exciting to me to see her singing in the choir.

As time went on, she began to have what we came to call monthly birthday breakfast where we all gathered to celebrate all the birthdays of the month. There were piles of pancakes, eggs, sausage, and toast with homemade jam. If anyone walked into her home with us there, because so many others did make their way into our family, they would see her buzzing around making sure every need was taken care of. There she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying the rosary. I have fond memories of so many that were welcomed into our family because my Gram opened her heart & door to them.

As I grew older, I came to learn about what me Gram meant to others. It has been such a blessing to hear she was just always so kind. Or that she was just the sweetest lady. She was spreading love to her community when she played cards, shopped at the local grocery stores, and behind the counter as a bank teller. Even when she was doing that she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying. She was just always willing to do for others but many times the way she DID for others was just showing love.

Looking at her children and my cousins I see hard workers, people who strive, but who are always willing to give. They give by opening their homes and cooking for members in their community. Like handing out food to the needy in the streets of Seattle. They give by cleaning in ways of helping a neighbor rake leaves, or like making sure people in poor communities have fresh water. They give by canning up the love she gave them and handing it out in heaping piles throughout all the land by smiling, hugging, sharing compassion, finding ways to be kind, and giving more than they receive. She set an example of giving in her way for the purpose He gave her and then her many arms and legs have taken that to a greater level.

Walking through my Gram’s home you will find Him in every room with sayings, statues, or other artwork. My Gram may not have told you to get to church but she set an example of someone that was fed at her church and spilled that into the lives of those around her. I later learned she prayed her rosary many times a day with the intention of her family. She trusted us all to Him and how hard that is to do. She sat in her chair praying for us . . . each and every one of us every single day. Look around and see what her prayers have done. I pray we all can pick up where she left off because there are still many generations to our tree to come.

At All Saints Day Mass, November 1, 2022, Father Cotter gave the best homily for me in that moment. He shared the stories for some great Saints that were martyred for their faith. He went on to say, “but today is not their day they have their own feast day. Today is for all the moms, dads, single men & women that all served Him in their small ways each and every day. Today is the day we celebrate those saints in Heaven.” That was special for many reasons because I had just labeled our Gram our Patron Saint the night before.

I end with . . . Gram she would ask, “What should I do?” several times during my time with her at the end of her life. She just wanted to be doing. I told her it was time for her to finally sit down at the table and rest . . . to sit at His table and rest. Once she said, “Who will do the dishes?” I told her, “Gram, you raised us well, it is our turn to do the dishes.” So, my dear uncles, aunts, and cousins I challenge you to pick up your towel and get the dishes done . . .the dishes of prayer, the dishes of serving your communities, the dishes of passing on the faith to all you meet, the dishes of welcoming others into your embrace, the dishes of being who she raised us all to be.

Holy Spirit Moments

General Thoughts, God and Country, Journal, Reflections, Uncategorized
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As long as I can remember I have had vivid dreams and sensations that someone was near. You know those dreams you wake up from and you can recall every detail right down to numbers and colors. Or those moments when the hair stands up on the back of your neck. Even when you get goosebumps when someone shares something with you. I bet others have JUST KNOWN they should do something and WOW later learn it was a good thing they did. How about those moments when an image flashes through your mind. I can’t be the only one. Whose with me?

I have had many moments over the past 30 years, but I will focus today on moments in the past 10 years. One day I recall feeling a great disconnect with God and frustrated in with feeling at my whits end. I was sitting in the middle of my living room and cried out to Him to show me my purpose. Just then a song played that told me my purpose for that season was to raise up my children to be Children of God.

Another moment not long after that I was once again praying in my living room (so strange since I spend the least amount of my time in that room). Feeling wrought with fear, anxiety, and worry. This was an ongoing fear for most of my life. I had lived with great fear of loss and anytime I prayed I heard in my head different versions of “you have nothing to fear” or “you all are guarded”. Yet, in this moment I just seemed to be so lost. I cried, “Lord, I am over this. I can not continue to feel this way. I will not pass this anxiety on to my kids. Please take it. Please show me, in my human weakness, that You GOT THIS!” I felt a wave wash over me. I turned towards a window that gave me a clear view of our entry door to see a soldier angel standing guard, saw flash in my mind of the same type of angels hovering around our house, and heard in my mind what seemed to be an audible voice, but was not, “Now do you believe me. Go be Bold! Your family is heavily guarded!” Those angels had the most beautiful wings with browns & golds that radiated light. The one at our door was armored up and I have since learned wearing the exact armor Paul writes about in Ephesians 6. It was within that year I had lunch with a friend, who without knowing this happened, grabbed my hand in prayer and said, “Be bold, Kelly, BE BOLD!” Well, that was my conviction. Boldness out of a person that spent years avoiding confrontation and living with fear of bad news was no easy transition.

It took about five years for me to get to a place where I felt more comfortable speaking up. Which is about the same time I restarted my blog. Also, around this time God placed a heavy burden on my heart, but before I get to that I want to share two other visions I had that are also connected. The first was before I went to vote in the 2016 election. I really struggled and prayed a great deal about this election. In my mind, there was no clear direction for casting my vote. I prayed without ceasing going up to the vote. I asked God to give me something to confirm my vote was the right vote and to trust that His will would prevail. As I placed my pencil down, I saw a white angel wing press down upon my hand. This confirmed I was casting my vote correctly. Then in March, 2019, my dearest friend went home to be with the Lord. In May of that year, I was back in church for the first time since her funeral, feeling her loss, and the weight of this burden I mentioned above. I was kneeling in prayer, asking God to once again show me He is in fact here working. To show me He is with me. To show me He needs me to be bold. I looked up to the front of our big, beautiful church to see the biggest angel hovering over our altar with wings spread wide and dressed again for battle. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out in tears from the sight of it. Tears did fall, but I kept them under control. To this day I believe it was St Michael the Archangel. I felt God was reminding me of this burden to pray, telling me it was time to pick up my sword, and sharing a grand message that He was engaged in a spiritual battle.

This burden I was led to pray about, that I saw everywhere in all areas of my life, the burden of division, of the great divide, of our inability to listen. Almost simultaneously I was drawn to the Holy Spirit. I felt like the Holy Spirit was the warrior our world needed. In fact, Jesus told the disciples he had to leave so the Spirit of Truth could come. Jesus knew we needed the Holy Spirit. I began almost a meditative prayer anytime I felt called. I would pray “Come, Holy Spirit, Come. Please move like a wave across our land revealing ALL truth. Opening all eyes, including mine, to the lies of the devil & all who do his will. Please Holy Spirit cleanse our world from all corruption & lies. Your people are hurting. Your world is hurting. Save us.” Then it happened one night while praying this, I saw a ribbon of light that was winding itself, like a figure-eight, over our land. I could feel a change coming. I thought it was a fluke thing until it began to happen over and over again. Then I began to see things coming to light in our world. Facts and evidence being revealed. In recent months, this vision has moved through the following phases to the one it is at today. From the figure-eight ribbon over the United States. Second, a circular ribbon flowing like a wheel around the entire earth that has gradually increased in speed. Third, a wideband still around the earth moving so fast you can barely see that it is moving. (The best I can explain this is, if you have seen the Thor movies and can visualize the bridge between worlds, that is what this looks like but wrapped around the world.) Fourth, the same wideband but racing on it, almost as if to keep it moving, was a silver-white pegasus with a male rider. Fifth, no rider, but a thin wheel moving extremely fast. Finally, the band is gone and there are two horses/pegasus racing around the earth. I can see dirt flying from their hooves. I can see they are larger than life on earth. I can see they are the white-silver one and a brown-gold one. I can see there are two riders. They are armored again like Paul describes to battle the enemy. I hear them calling us to armor ourselves up and prepare to battle the enemy.

It has been so surreal to watch these events unfold before my eyes and know that the Holy Spirit is at work in a big, powerful way. Here we are facing a great divide that stands to defeat us if we don’t armor up against the real enemy, the invisible enemy, that comes to seek & destroy. I feel like my role in this is to share my visions with you and to continue to pray for truth to be revealed.

I will end with this, I have also had several dreams and so have my kids. I will share those with you, but friends have shared with me other visions from different people they have read. One calls us to STAND FIRM as the waves come pouring in. Another saw a demon and when he asked the demon who it was the response was three things, but the greatest was GREED. The corruption to be revealed is rooted in centuries of greed by principalities & rulers of this world, that have sought to hold God’s people in bondage so they can control the wealth of the world. Only time will tell, but it is my belief we will see it all unfold at a rapid rate.

Remember Ephesians 6. It is time to put on your Armor of God!

“Why I Go To Church.”

God and Country, Journal, Reflections
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DISCLAIMER:  Hello! Welcome to my blog. I want all readers to be aware that my posts are about my journey, but are always written as thoughts come to mind. I do some editing, but for me it takes away from the emotion I am trying to convey. This the blog is ME … REAL and … well … RAW. I hope you enjoy my style. If not, there are plenty of us bloggers out there I am sure you will find one you enjoy. Thanks!

I have been working through many things lately as I sort through anxiety about being made to be uncomfortable. Since January I have been praying a prayer asking God to Stretch my faith like the man in Mark 3:5. Jesus said to him “Stretch out your hand.” The man did and he was restored. To me it isn’t the restoration … It isn’t the message the overall chapter sends to the pharisees … it is that the man KNEW what would happen by stretching out his hand … HE KNEW HE WOULD be restored. I have known for QUITE sometime I still had wounds to be healed, fears to overcome, but I never realized what I was doing wasn’t really getting me there. I realized it was one of those “Go Big or Go Home” type things. I know I am being called to certain things in my life, but I am also not ready, yet. I could sense God telling me now is the time … “Trust Me. Stretch out your hand.” So I did … in January and since I have been asking Him to stretch me….sometimes not wanting to.

In so many ways this year has been the hardest year of my life. I have hid it pretty well from the majority of people in my life or even glossed it over. I am unsure how many really knew how many nights or moments in my car I have cried from the amount of pain I was in … the spiritual and emotional pain of stretching has been almost unbearable. So, many times I cried out that I could not do this anymore and literally feel the air leave me with a “YES YOU CAN! Now keep coming … keep stretching we are almost there.” The number of nights I have been awake with full on anxiety attacks … visions of great things, but full anguish at what I was seeing that had to be done. One of those nights was last night …

I seen why … I seen where my heart is at … I seen why I have to keep moving forward … see I have looked into the eyes of nothing, I have seen what empty people look like, I have seen complete despair, I have felt shame, …. yet I also know a LOVE greater than it all.

I recall in my first 5 years of teaching some very powerful lesson happened for me that set me on my journey to peace within my self … to finding Him beside me … to NOW finding Him WITHIN ME!

I see the face on a student that did NOTHING in my classes. By nothing I mean NOTHING … no work, no talking, not a BAD kid AT ALL. I vividly remember giving him his papers one day and the kids (Some of his buddies) saying “Kaneeps (a nickname) why do you bother giving him papers  no one else does. He won’t do them anyway.” I replied without hesitating “Well, because I won’t give up on any of you and today might be the day.” That student stayed after class that day. I walked to his desk, turned a desk toward his, face to face we sat, and I said “One day you will make a decision to change things for yourself. On your journey I want you to see Jesus in me … that I can love you unconditionally because He does … You matter!” Tears streamed down his face and he said “Just you and one other person has ever told me I matter … Just you ever told me about Jesus and that you love me.” When I looked into his eyes I seen brokenness I had never seen before…emptiness that was filled with great sorrow.

I see the face of the student … students that have since taken  their lives. I see the faces of students who are now in jail. I remember faces of students that I suspected used drugs … that were so very very lost. Those faces haunted me then and haunt me still. I recall one morning feeling completely eaten up by it all … behavior, poor management, their lives, the struggles they faced, etc. I sat at my desk and asked God to show me WHY I WAS THERE!!!! Maybe I demanded it. I randomly opened my Bible to Esther chapter 4 and my eyes literally landed on “Possibly you were born for such a time as this.” Well, there you have it sister you have cried out, I have answered, and YOU ARE CALLED. I would never have survived those years without the co-worker of mine across the hallway. She showed me Jesus in such REAL ways. She led me to really face some raw stuff. Between the kids and her … I found a peace, love, and grace inside me.

Now after being home 10 years I still keep in touch with MANY of those students … it saddens me to see the struggles they still have, but I also see how some have turned things around and found JOY…found Jesus. Specifically I see the face of another student that was headed to major trouble if he didn’t die first … leave … turn his life around and become someone I admire. God’s Grace.

I seen that co-worker about 4 years ago over dinner. She told me to “Be Bold” … Not exactly my cup of tea. So much has happened over the past ten years of me raising kids … crying in the middle of my trashed living room with a 6, 3, and 2 year old racing around … crying out to God again “What am I doing wrong? Can I possibly be doing right by them? I feel so lost from everything.” When on my christian radio station played a song “Do Everything” by Steven Curtis Chapman … https://youtu.be/FEqdDdvFXZ0 … “You are picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today” Can you imagine I was literally on the living room floor picking up toys. “Matching up socks sweeping up lost cheerios that got away” literally my kitchen was just as bad. “And while I may not know you I bet I know you wonder sometimes if it matters at all Well let me remind you it all matters just as long as you do everything you do to the glory of the one who made you cause he made you to do everything little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face and to tell the story of grace with every move that you make and every little thing that you do” …. I never heard the rest of the song instead I heard “I made you to be their Mom … I chose you … I came before you, I have been here already, I am ahead of you … I NEED you to be their Mom knowing all I know about your heart, the mistakes you have made and will make, I need you to walk with them on this leg of their journey.” That was 7 years ago. Still more growing has happened to get me to the past 9 months. That is when I found Him BESIDE me.

Almost a year ago now I became a leader of a ministry at our church and the current leader asked me to share some of my story with the group. I remember feeling great anxiety about it. I remember seeing a vision of myself peeling off a large scab … no band-aide … it was a crusted over wound that felt healed up, but it wasn’t … it was actually infected with fear, insecurity, doubt, shame, … out it all poured. So real healing could happen. This and the past 9 months … last night really was when I found Him WITHIN me.

So, why do I go to church … I go to church (with a lower case c) because His Church needs me…because of what His Church has done for me. That church I attend is His … not ours … it is His building that He opens doors so broken, hurting, sinful people can come to His altar to stretch out their hand to receive His restoration … His life saving Grace … His life saving offering. I go because there are so many faces pushing me to go … so many lost … so many that found hope because I allowed/allow Him to use me. See church is just a building that He uses to build His Church … to build His team … to build His army for eyes, ears, hearts, feet, and hands! When I attend Mass it is getting myself refueled to go out and allow myself to be used. These days church can be a dark place in itself … it has failed in many ways … ALL types of church has failed, but …. Attending is NOT ABOUT anyone, anything … other than Him and I. It does not matter what someone says or does … about who is there or who is not … about how the Mass goes … and really it is not about what church I attend … it is about SHOWING UP FOR HIM … for His Church … for the broken, for the empty eyes staring back at me, for the hurt, for the GRACE .. to restore my own brokenness so I can be His arms and reach out to those Stretching to me … those that have not quite figured out He is as there for them as He is for me.

Attached are 5 songs that I think will forever be a driving force in my soul … besides the one above.

Four Tools We Have To Help Us And Others

General Thoughts, Journal
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Something that has been rolling around in my mind lately is our willingness to help others or allow others to help us. Like always I find the best place to sort through things is right here typing it out. My Mom used to say “Sit Down let’s hash this out”. So, I guess I am asking you to sit down and hash this out with me.

For a while, now this has been in my head and then little things would pop up in life to make me realize my thought process might be on the right track. I often wondered why people would say to me “WOW four kids you must have your hands full, but not a one would offer to hold a door, carry a kid, or sit and just visit with me.” Or even people close to me would say things like “Oh we all did it. It’s like a right of passage to suffer when raising your kids.” Now I am not here to throw a pity party since I have become stronger in my role as a Mom and even in my health. Yet, those early years that started with a 4 year old, 18 month old, and infant were so stressful and emotionally draining. I did end up with stage four adrenal fatigue where my life had so taxed my adrenal gland that it was barely producing any cortisol. My immune system was a mess. I had horrific migraines. My emotions were up and down and all over the place. I was NOT a healthy Momma. Thankfully, I found a doctor, who figured out the problem and nearly 4 years later I am MUCH better. My adrenals will always be something I have to support and with other autoimmune issues my immune system will need a boost as well, but I know how to do all of that now. My point in sharing this was in the middle of it I did not know how to ask for help and no one noticed or asked if I needed any help. Maybe they did and maybe I refused. That leads me to ….

WHY DO WE REFUSE HELP?

I think for some we are in the middle of a mess and we just do not recognize we need help.

I think PRIDE has something to do with it. We feel admitting we need help demonstrates failure. I mean think about it growing up aren’t pushed to do things independently and some might be pushed harder than others or before they are ready. Sending the little ones the message that growing up means doing things all by myself. Is that really the message we want to send to our kids? I am asking myself, too.

Maybe we just do not want to inconvenience anyone. How many growing up felt like they were always bothering a parent? Told to leave Dad or Mom alone? Now we want those people to ask for help? They don’t know how or they were taught asking was bothering.  Again, maybe a bit of PRIDE is involved here. We are just to proud to let someone else help us.

Maybe it is because people have offered, but time and time again never really helped. So people gave up on asking. I wonder about this when I hear the same people say these two things…1) I am so busy always running 2) Anything you need just ask. My door is always open. … How can people help when they is so busy? I am talking about the real help. Not the band aide fix, but the walk through a season with someone sort of help. And if I need help why do I need to come to you? If you are offering to help me shouldn’t you come to me? I don’t know…hashing this idea out with all of you…Thoughts?

WHY DO WE NOT HELP OR SEE OTHERS HAVE A NEED?

Too busy.  Is our life so full that it has lost its richness? Its flavor? We just are so focused on today’s task we can’t see beyond our own to do list?

We make assumptions. Oh, they don’t need my help they have it made…they have a great family to help them…look at them they are the perfect couple/family….she always has it all pulled together….he has an amazing wife…etc etc Not sure, but could ENVY come into play here. We may envy a person for whatever situation and we let that blind us to the realities that person may be living in.

We choose not to see. Or we ignore. We are being lazy … SLOTHFUL.  Thinking someone else will take care of it.

Where are you at RIGHT NOW in this area of life?

So, with all that said or out of the hash table … what does it matter? Who cares if people are getting the help they might need? Who cares if I am the one helping them or if someone else does it? Well, if you want to explore all this as a friend, an American, or better yet as Christ would … let’s get another cup of coffee and sit back down to hash that out.

Hmmmm…. for me this quote speaks exactly how I feel about a friendship ” We need the comfort that comes in sharing history and being known. We need people who will wade into the middle of our stuff with us and help us fight our way through. We need those who know our kryptonite, what would easily destroy us, and lead us in the opposite direction.” (I found in my journal without an author name not like me so I am unsure whose words these are.) Are you this person in the lives of others? If you see the people you love destroying themselves would you step in and risk a friendship to lead them in the opposite direction? Would you help them whether they wanted it or not? Well….Kelly if they don’t want me help case closed. Really? Is it really over at that point? Or is that just an easy out for us?

Let’s address the American Way, but for me that mean’s going back to our roots … way back. Think of those very first settlers Jamestown and Captain John Smith or the Pilgrims. To keep it simple and straight to the point these groups of people would have died (and 1000s did) had it not been for the help of the Indians in their respective regions. The Natives had been down this road they new exactly how to survive this new journey the settlers were on. With that said in the beginning they were proud and wanted nothing to do with the native people. Quite frankly the natives typically wanted very little to do with the white man. Yet, when things became desperate for the white man they sought out the help of the natives and for whatever reason the natives in these cases chose to help. Yet, even in the middle of the suffering NOT EVERYONE in those groups wanted to ask for help. It took someone else to step up and risk their lives to ask for help. Fast forward to the American Revolution (again keeping things simple)… no way would we have won this war had the wealthy men of our country not sacrificed their riches, their pride, and the friendships with others in England. They wrote letters, risked their lives hiding ammunition’s and Revolutionaries, were killed for mutiny, lost everything … all because they wanted to willingly help the colonist’s and themselves to become a free country. We could keep going throughout our history about times that formed our heritage in which people HAD to ask or offer help. I think we as a society have strayed a bit and offer too much help now … but going too far with help might be another hash chat for later. So, as American’s it is in our roots to help others in need. We see that every time a major tragedy hits.  Event then do we do all we could do? I think though many of us are waiting for someone else to take care of the needs. Or we are ready, but do not want to make the first move. In terms, of reaching out to our neighbors … maybe we forget that fixing any problem starts with fixing the one in front of our face first.

Now for some thoughts from a Christian perspective … what does Christ call us to do? I reflected on this and somethings popped into my head about possible tools God has given us to aid in asking for help and reaching out to others. BEFORE WE go on STOP and reflect on this for a minute … IF WE ARE UNWILLING TO HELP OTHERS OR RECEIVE HELP, THEN ARE WE REALLY LETTING GOD INTO OUR LIVES?

Tool 1 PRAYER/SCRIPTURE – One verse I found Hebrews 2:18 “Because he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.” In the past 6 months I have been learning how to pray scriptures…to put myself in the word to enable me to see how God wants me to follow Jesus … so let’s do that Because I myself was tested through my suffering, I am able to help those who are being tested.  WOW>>>>ever think that out of our suffering God will call us to walk that journey with someone else?? If so, and we don’t … then what?? I often think the only way I can truly be rid of my own suffering is to give it to Jesus BY WALKING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Think about it when you help others doesn’t it usually make you feel like your own suffering isn’t really as bad as you thought it was. It’s because you take your eyes off yourself for a while. This my friends is where I believe compassion and empathy are born. True some are just born with an EMPATH personality, but empathy is something we develop…or better yet we EARN.  A friend once said about this idea of helping is “Christ’s message of love, hope, mercy, and compassion.”  Maybe use prayer to lead you on this journey of helping.

Tool 2 FASTING  …. What fasting? Fasting is when we initially suffer so we can lean more on God. So maybe we are just tired and it seems like we are always the one giving and never receiving. “I am sick and tired of sending notes, planning events, always being there for everyone else … WHEN WILL ANYONE DO THESE THINGS FOR ME!” Oh, trust me sweet friend I started heading down that path once and it was not a fun one. Recently, I read in my daily reading devotional Sacred Space “Like Jesus I am to be taken, blessed, broken, and given, until I am emptied out and yet mysteriously filled with love.” That is exactly what abruptly stopped my pity party all those years ago. Not those exact words, of course, but the idea at how much joy it brought me to encourage and love on others … to be a go to person for people in my life. Shoot to have even others who weren’t my ‘close friends’ know I was a person they could reach out to. I have been empty MANY times, but I promise you every single time I hit that mark and I crawl in my safe place to refill it is always the memories of the people that fills me back up. Jesus is our example for EVERYTHING.  Fasting DOES NOT have to be from food or money or drink. It does not have to happen just during Lent. Fasting is anything that leads you to need Him more. Fasting can and should be an all the time deal. Admitting with tears that this JUST hit me that I fast all the time … Friends when people ask me how I do it I now know the answer I FAST me time leaning of Him every step of the way and when I am REALLY empty He blesses me with TIME and a tremendously full heart.

So, how are we on the helping others scale?

Tool 3 THE HOLY SPIRIT … Ever wonder if maybe God is working in the life of the person ASKING to help you?? Maybe the person asking is struggling with something in their own life and the Holy Spirit led them to your door. Not because you needed them, BUT BECAUSE THEY NEEDED YOU. Just reflect on that …

Tool 4 THE CROSS … What if by refusing help we are refusing to let go of whatever is hurting us? We just do not want to let go of grief, the memories, the hurt, etc. Did you know that this is a reason why Jesus died … sins yes … but more than that to FREE US OF THE BONDAGE of all sorrow and pain. When we refuse to let go … let others help us … are we refusing Jesus? He is there no matter what, but the image I get in my head is like He is on the other side of a locked door that we refuse to unlock. All we need to do is let that person in that wants to help us and we might just be sliding the key under the door to Jesus. While saying “Lord, I am to scared to open the door, but here is the key help me let it go. Help me help myself out of the locked room of  _____________.”

So, when we do not participate in the circle of helping … receiving or giving … will someone get hurt?  What happens to the Tool Box we have sitting at our feet. Do they get rusty? Disappear?

I think it’s obvious to me … WE ARE ALL EITHER HURTING OR HEALING/HEALED … and the only way to truly complete the process is to continue around that circle. If you are hurting, then let someone help you SCREAM for help if you must. If you are healing/healed, then look around you for ways to encourage, love, and help others. Remember it can get messing, but you have been there you know. Maybe you are the ONLY one chosen for the task. What happens if you look the other way? What happens if you kick the tools to the curb? What happens if you refuse to unlock the door? Only you know those answers.

Three songs I leave you with that I reflected on while thinking about Jesus and Helping.

Jesus I Believe by Big Daddy Weave

Come to the Table by Sidewalk Prophets

Your Love Defends Me by Matt Maher

“So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.” Hebrews 4:16 

 

Thank You so much for helping me hash this out. Once again you brought me to tears as I realized some of my own things … I myself healed a little bit more today.

Please pray for me as I am ALWAYS praying for you!

 

 

 

 

Are Your Expectations the Problem?

God and Country, Journal, Reflections
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About a year ago I really started praying about my relationships with people and why some had anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, tension, etc. What God revealed to me was really not a shock, but was a light bulb moment that completely changed me and all my relationships. So let me explain …

I think the thing I love about the Old Testament Stories and the lessons we learn from the Pharisees attacks on Jesus were how God used people we wouldn’t expect (a girl like Esther, a simple soldier like Joshua), people we would judge (like the pharisees judged), people with a past (a prostitute like Rahab), etc. Thinking about these people and their stories and even the parables Jesus told, I became curious about what the word Grace meant in Hebrew or Greek.  I found that in the Old Testament the word used is chesed meaning deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It can also mean enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation. In the New Testament the word used is Charis, which focuses on the provision of salvation.

Let’s LOOK and THINK on that for a moment … chesed word in the Old Testament for Grace DELIVERANCE FROM ENEMIES … FROM AFFLICTION … FROM ADVERSITY.  So, by Grace I am delivered from my enemies, from affliction, from adversity. WHEN I extend GRACE (chesed can also mean forgiveness) I am DELIVERED. Are you holding onto unforgiveness that could deliver you … could FREE YOU?

NEXT LOOK and THINK about charis the New Testament word for Grace a provision for salvation … PROVIDES SALVATION … extending grace provides ME WITH SALVATION!!! Again, are you holding onto bitterness, anger, tension …. that if you extended grace/forgiveness would SET YOU FREE??

Okay, so after you have a hold of anything that is keeping you from real freedom move on in reading. 

So, I have in mind those people or circumstances that get me all hot and bothered … irritated … down right angry. Am I free? NOPE! Here is how He tied together my life verse and little tid-bits I pulled from Bible Studies. How He brought ME freedom from the bondage of my anger, bitterness, etc. So, here is what God revealed to me in that moment.

IT IS ALL IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF, OF OTHERS, AND OF EVEN ME, MY DAUGHTER!

I can truthfully say it wasn’t a shocker, but I did cry. Just let the tears fall as I seen everything in my life in a new and different way. As my heart softened toward every person in my life…in my world…in the world. NOW to add I am not talking about giving a free pass to evil … The Holy Spirit gives us Discernment for a reason. So, let me explain what I mean …

That person or circumstance that brings up all those negative emotions that let’s be honest keep us in bondage … keep us from truly living a full life…do we feel what we feel about them or the event because of our expectations of how one should behave? How the event should have gone? How evil the person was that violated you? How God took that person from here rather than protecting them or curing them? Etc…

So, really take time to think about that right now….how do your expectations of your self, parents, children, relatives, friends, neighbors, church members, leaders, etc….. play into those negative feelings? 

So, NOW you have the negative feeling named and you have identified your own ROLE in that situation. How your expectations played a part? Here now is where we get real … you can not control anyone ever!!

This is why God frees us by our own actions alone! So, someone violates you … by forgiving them does nothing for them it FREES YOU. By realizing you expect people to never hurt another person does not take into account the real power of evil in our world…it does not take into account the control mental illness plays in the lives of others. AGAIN … I am not giving a free pass, but what I am saying is God frees you when you forgive and LET HIM handle the other side…the other person. You get to move on and live the full life He has for you.

I expect God to take away all the suffering TODAY … I am me … He is God. He loves beyond my understanding. He knows beyond my understanding. He gave more than I can ever give. Who am I to expect anything more that what He promised with a Baby and a Cross … TO LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT.

So, here I am in my expectations … I expect myself to be my best ALL THE TIME, I expect my husband to be romantic and spend plan great date nights, I expect our parents to love taking the kids so we can have date nights regularly, I expect my friends to know I am in need of a hug or a text, I expect my kids to always be awesome, etc …. OKAY NOW I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD … I expect my neighbors to not be racist, I expect my government leaders to follow the Lord and do His will, I expect the people who disagree with me to know we both still deserve our rights, etc ..

I realized that these expectations were what was hurting all my relationships. I would get upset at a person for NOT doing or behaving what I expected of them and there a wedge would be built. Built on anger or frustration the devil will use because I opened the door for him to use it. These expectations of the people, who legitimately hurt me and deserved punishment. Here I expected that their punishment would set me free. Or I expected that person to be something they really never were. Regardless though … by focusing on the situation or the person and how I expected it all to play out I was not free. To be free I had to extend Grace … let go of my expectations and leave them to God.

So, is it clear yet how our expectations HOLD US IN BONDAGE …. are the problem? Maybe, but one more point … why our expectations are a bit silly when we think of how God has used people or circumstances to bring freedom…a freedom that changes worlds … that lasts beyond generations.

Now how he connected some dots for me … The past 5 years I have LOVED doing a Jesse Tree during Advent with our kids. I was just fascinated by the lineage of Jesus and the journey of our faithful ancestors while they waited thousands of years for a savior. That is powerful to me … THOUSANDS of years … I struggle with thinking we have only waiting 2000 years for a 2nd coming…THE FINAL coming.

What helped me get free was reading through the grace God extended in His journey to bringing us Jesus … in the people He CHOSE to use. When I look at this I get a clear image of how WRONG I am in expecting things of people when they are just unable to give for reasons I may never know. Or expecting people CANNOT do something because of my perceptions or what I expect of people “like them” when God has an awesome plan for them.

My life verse comes from the book of Esther. One day before my class had started I was praying and asking God why I was here … here teaching a struggling group of kids … here in my life facing what I was facing… I randomly opened my Bible to Mordecai telling Esther “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Different translations word it a bit differently …”maybe you were born for just such a time as this?”  I have looked at me life differently from that point forward. YES I WAS BORN IN THIS TIME FOR A REASON … FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. Esther was a simple girl, a Jew, that became a queen, a chosen queen. She was not only chosen by the king, but she was born for such a time chosen by THE KING to set her people free. A poor simple girl reached out from where she was to the poor and suffering to free them…to help raise them up. She set aside her expectations of herself, of the king, and she responded to God’s call and The Blessings came!

When I was studying the book of Joshua I met a prostitute named Rahab that stuck with me. When working on the Jesse Tree I came to understand why … she was one of Jesus’ ancestors. Yes, she was a desperate sinful women that seen these men planning their attack on her city, BUT somehow she knew they would in fact destroy her city. She helped them, she reached out and saved them, saved her family, … she was born for such a time and she responded to God’s call on her life. She was forgiven and she became a many Great-Grandmother to THE KING. God chose a prostitute to help carry on the lineage of Jesus. God chose a prostitute to help carry His will … to eventually bring me a savior.

Now I could share more stories for the imperfect people God chose to do great things, to be apart of Jesus’ lineage, but my point is … we hold onto so much because we expect so much or so little … God just wants us to be willing to be used. To be free of all bondage so He can use us to the fullest. To let go and willingly run into His arms and be blessed with a pure full unhindered love … a life beyond our dreams.

Now take some time to let go of expectations … let go of the emotions attached to them … focus on listening to His call … RUN TO HIM and say “Lord, I was born for such a time as this USE me!”

 

 

How Do I Know It Is You God?

General Thoughts, God and Country, Journal
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In the last month I have been shown how I was looking at my calling a bit wrong. Not all wrong, but wrong enough that is was messing up my direction. So, I thought instead of journaling through it in my journal I would journal through it with you all. Then as I crisp up my own understanding you might gain some insight into your own world.

I have been hosting a bible study in my home and the first one we decided to do was Red Hot Faith by Cindy Bultema.  One of the points of discussion had to do with eliminating blind spots.  Blind Spots are things that keep us from achieving our best for God, but the hard part about this is that these are ‘blind spots’. We can go our entire lives and never know they even exist. When I first read this I had to take a few weeks to sort through this idea and reflect on my own life to determine what blind spots were hiding in my life.  My gut was telling me there was definitely a blind spot that God was working to reveal to me.

Just before Christmas we went to visit some family that was in town to do some sledding. While there my Aunt asked me if I followed Father Joe, a cousin to her and my Mom, on Facebook. I do, so I replied, “Yes, but hadn’t checked in lately.” She proceeded to comment that his post earlier that week was really nice. Later that night, I checked his post out. In it he discusses ways we know it is God we are listening to. One of the points he mentioned was that if it is God calling us to do something that there will be sacrifice involved. Just reading his words caused a light bulb to come on for me. It was like a gap was connected for me. Yes, I always knew the idea of the road less traveled or the road with dips and turns, bumps and obstacles, verses the easy road, but I guess this was a blind spot for me as I needed that word SACRIFICE to connect a dot for my brain. I suddenly realized why I was struggling with “Is God calling me or isn’t He. Nothing seems to be falling into place. I am not having time to do something.” Well, duh I need to make some sacrifice to make it happen and it isn’t going to be easy.

THE BACK STORY … Growing up I always heard how if it was Gods plan everything would just fall into place. Well, that is not entirely true. Yes, God will open and close doors, but He needs you to travel the path to get to the door AND you need to open it. Or you need to acknowledge the door is closed and seek out the one He desires for you to open. The journey to those open doors will include sacrifice.

What is strange for me about this is that I KNEW all is from experience. When we decided I was going to stay home we had to make a sacrifice of a second income. When we decided to homeschool we had to make more sacrifices to put money into curriculum, learn to live with a messy home, my own time would be consumed by kids, etc. When I say this to you I can honestly say there are hard days, but the good and great days far out weighed the bad and instead of sacrifice it is blessing. So, why I did not see that sacrifice would need to be made in this next phase or direction He was leading us? I have no idea. Well, actually maybe because I never thought ahead about any of those previous decisions. They were just what we were going to do and we never looked at any of it as a sacrifice. Where as this time around I know it needs to be done, but I am feeling the struggle much more than before.

It feels good when you head in the right direction and when there are struggles God gives you affirmation that you are on the right path, He is with you, and He will get you through it. JUST TRUST HIM. I have been fortunate to have a group of amazing ladies praying for me and feeding me with encouragement through this. Then I have had some crazy random Holy Spirit FILLED moments that SHOUTED I was doing the right thing. Including writing this post, I finished typing the rough draft last night, this morning I woke up to the below photo shared by Molly Green and knew I was still on the right path. So, now I set editing, which is funny since I am HORRIBLE at that, and adding in links to BEAUTIFUL people you should check out for some of your own encouragement.

molly-green

So, is God calling you? Are you listening to God? One part of knowing is if it will require you to make a sacrifice. If you aren’t hearing Him maybe check yourself for blind spots…things in your life, up bringing, thought patterns, etc that are keeping you from reaching out to Him. Find someone that can help you sort through it all…journal to Him.

NOTE: I am NOT an affiliate with any of the above people, companies, etc. I just love them and want to share them with you AND they are apart of the reason I had a wonderful light bulb moment. Also, here is a link to Father Joe’s column in Faith Magazine.

Finding Purpose Again

Family Life, General Thoughts, Journal
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There was a time in my life when I was too young to even care about my purpose in being here. Then came the time that I became a teacher and everything changed. I knew from the first day in a classroom that I was to be a teacher.

Oh, my heart filled up with joy and pain when I was in the classroom. Sure I had a life and another purpose that superseded being a teacher and it was being a wife. Eventually, becoming a mom interfered as well. Yet, what I am talking about is that purpose that somewhere inside of you … you just know you are meant to be there in that place. That is how I felt about teaching. Well, shoot when my babies started I arriving I knew I was supposed to be home with them, but what I wasn’t prepared for what that sense of purpose was gone. That feeling I felt when I was teaching … was … well gone.

I know…I know some of you are thinking “Well, you are a Mom now THAT is your purpose!” I am here to tell you that my head and my heart KNEW God wanted me home, but something in my being wasn’t grasping the idea that being a Mom was a purpose. Maybe I am slow. I remember PLEADING with God to show me my purpose.

Lord please show me what my purpose is here! Help me! I am feeling so misplaced, lost, confused, inadequate, I can do more than this,  … 

I recall within days of finally truly PLEADING with Him that I was at my computer and the radio was on Family Life Radio when this song came on about a busy Mom and all the seemingly mundane things we do … and … well … I sat there and cried as I heard him say it matters. Then shortly after that hearing the words “God could have chosen anyone to be their Mom, but He didn’t … He chose you!” THIS….THIS was the beginning of me seeing His plan for me.

See it isn’t as much about feeling purpose as it is rather about allowing Him to work each day through you to achieve purpose. 

That realization came to me through a series of little moments…a movie called Mom’s Night Out, which is where I heard AGAIN that God chose me, books, watching our kids grow and interact with others, SLOWING down my pace to hear Him, and learning to wait on my Lord. Tonight though was the first time I wrote it out like that in bold print and I am crying now as it really becomes even more real to me. Sharing with you all ALWAYS brings something new to light.

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

See it is called according to His purpose. My hang up was in thinking that His purpose wasn’t great or grandeur enough. He has placed a dream in my heart and I am sure one day I will see it come true. Yet, each day He leads my steps to His purpose for that day and eventually one step at a time all the steps will come together. Just like now I can look back and see how EVERYTHING good and bad has gotten me here, I am sure I will look back then and see exactly the same thing. Probably how my crazy random blogging was a part of something even greater to come.

So, if you are struggling with being a Mom and finding your purpose please know He is working HIS purpose through you in each moment. For now He needs you to allow Him to work through you. Right? Or Wrong?

I am praying for you! Please pray for me!

A Moment

General Thoughts, God and Country, Journal, Uncategorized
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Just a moment can change your life. Everyone has defining moments. What are yours? Have you put them in perspective? Have you allowed them to define your life or you? Have you let them moment consume you?

See some people think that allowing a moment define you or your life means that you have allowed yourself to dwell on that moment. Not at all…dwelling on or living in means you have parked yourself in that moment. Having a defining moment or several moments means that you have experienced the moment to its fullest good or bad, then you have allowed God to use that moment to move you where He needed to move you. Have you felt God move you?

I have, but most of the time it is when I look back and I see that He moved me. When you are in a moment many times it can be so consuming that you might know He is there, but you simply do not know or feel Him working until time has past and you can look back.

Moments that forever change the way you look at or understand pretty much everything around you.

Moments that forever change the way you love people.

Moments that forever change what you believe to be true.

Moments that forever change the look in your eyes.

Moments that forever change things like what you read, eat, watch, etc.

Moments that forever change where you live.

Moments that change YOU and YOUR perspective…view of YOUR world.

My moments have made me the me I am today. My moments drive me and I feel God behind the wheel as He turns those moments…those defining moments…into something He is using for His plan.

So, look at your defining moments, leave them as the moment, and FEEL HIM working them for good.

Please Pray for me I am praying for you.

 

In Weakness Is Strength

God and Country, Journal
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Dear Lord,

As you know I have been having a recurring dream that I am pretty sure is your way of communicating with that part of me that is hidden from my conscious mind, from my will, from my own fears and doubts, and from my insecurities. I am pretty sure you a revealing some very powerful and awesome things. Yet, we still have some work to do. The amazing thing though is that I have already learned a great deal about myself and have grown tremendously in my faith in the gifts you have given me. I am just not sure yet where you are leading me. Until then the most powerful thing that I am working on I found in your word and then a dear friend in a completely random message the next day said to me

“He helps us in our weaknesses!”

and the verse the night before that struck me and became the subject of my journal post that night about was

“Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:10

I get it that of course I am weak. I get it that of course there will be days filled with more than I can handle. I get it that though it is more than I can handle YOU, YOU MY LORD, are always there next to me holding my hand, leading me, maybe even carrying me. I am weak, but because of you next to me I AM STRONG. 

Lord, I am pretty sure most Moms and probably Dads feel weak ALL THE TIME…please Lord help them to feel You and feel STRONG with You. Help us when we are crying as we wash the dishes. Help us when as we are folding laundry we are wondering if anyone appreciates how neatly we do this tedious job. Help us when we pull away from the house feeling horribly guilty for going to work, taking a break time, or doing anything without them. Help us when we are on our knees completely lost and can’t hear You. Help us when we are so angry we raise a hand. PLEASE stop the hand! Help us when we are so tired we go about the day in a complete fog. Help us when we are sick with nobody to help us take care of them. Lord…help us … when we are weak to KNOW we are STRONG because in every moment you are there waiting for us to call on You.

I am weak everyday. I am stronger in my weakness. Kelly

 

I am praying for you please pray for me…for weakness as that is where there is strength.

March 3, 2016 – Dear God

Family Life, General Thoughts, Journal
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Dear God it is me a Mom,

The past week Lord it seems one thing after another brings me to (as my Mom used to the) “the end of my rope”. Though I know I my heart I am NO WHERE close to the end of my rope my head is just plain feels out of options.

No matter where I turn there are toys and You Lord created me to dislike mess … why did you give me four kids to home school when I DO NOT LIKE MESS? Ha the irony in that! I love my life I am abundantly blessed. You know my heart I would NEVER exchange a clean house for no kids…OMGOODNESS what a horrifying thought. Thank You for flipping a switch for me yesterday in how to better manage chores for our family. I think it will work out great!

It seems like every time I turn around somebody is coughing or has a runny nose. Lord, please let it be that discovering the food allergies eliminates this problem. Thank You for leading us down that path. Please continue to help us eat right and healthy. Oh, and could you please help the kids to feel so much better they stop being so devastated by this?? It is hard for a Mom you know to be sick and take care of sick kids. I know you are a Dad and not a Mom so maybe you do not know this…sorry Lord I am being sarcastic with you. I know with all I am you treasure us all especially us Moms.

I know in my heart you are carrying me through everything. Most of the time I feel you, but other times like now I have to write you a letter with tears in my eyes to sort through it all with your help. You know “they” say talking things out is always better than keeping them bottled up. So, we are talking things out and I know you have the time!

Lord, I know you called…lead (called is odd to some people you know) me to home school our children. Again I know that in my whole being! I can look back over the past 6 years and completely understand why. YET>>>>Man God strong-willed children, a strong-willed Mom AND dyslexia nothing like bringing the Mom to her knees EVERYDAY! Hearing the frustration in their voices. Listening to them struggle with the words and calculations. Watching them trying to write letters and numbers. That is one thing, but hearing them scream and cry AT ME … Lord promise me we will get through this! Promise me they will not hate me for getting them through this the best way I know how. Lord, HELP THEM TO SEE the progress they are making!! Lord, please help them to grow into wonderful beautiful grateful adults. Lord, please just help me hold on to the peaks to get through the valleys…or help me to see the beauty in the valleys. Yes, help me to see the beauty of the valleys!

AHHHHHhhhhh…..feeling better Lord … Ya know Lord I am sure I am not the only Mom struggling with it all PLEASE lift them up, too. Help them to know I am walking their walk and with You we will get through it all. I hope they know they can talk to You, too. You are tough you can take it, right?!

Sometimes though Lord a HUG would be really good…can You help us to feel Your hugs during the day? We know you give them, but open our hearts to FEEL them!

WOW….I needed this cry! Thank You Lord for listening! Amen. Love this Mom!

FINAL THOUGHTS to reader…like I said I would be sharing my thoughts and this is how I journal on a daily basis. I record our day in the form of a prayer or conversation with God. It helps me sort through it all and to hear Him. Setting grammar, spelling, punctuation aside I write/type. So, you get the raw version.  My Prayer for you is that you learn to just talk to Him I think that is what He wants more than anything.

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