Who, but God, knew that on the day we learned we were expecting our first child that six weeks later we would lose our precious child. The next six weeks were emotional as a friend of mine, who found out they were expecting about the same time as we did, ended up delivering a healthy baby girl. They were emotional as I went to the hospital lab once a week to have blood drawn to test my HCG levels to make sure my body naturally rid itself of the baby. Who, but God, knew how this whole concept would plant a seed that over the next 10 years either destroy me or propel me. I truly believe He knew, but I also believe He sent Angels, He placed people in my life, He put me places to hear words I needed to hear, and He led me to the place I am today. He used everything and everyone in my everyday life to change me, but I have only arrived to this place today by following His lead.
Who, but God, knew that when we lost our second baby 8 weeks after taking the test that I would spiral into a deeper inner hidden remorse. Six more weeks of HCG tests, students having babies, friends having babies, babies babies babies everywhere, but quietly we prayed, dreamed, cried, and hoped. During this time we were involved in a business that many people judged us for and were even upset by the decisions we were making. Yet, we were growing and changing in ways only God knew we would. We needed to be there for the sake of our marriage and for the sake of my faith. Who, but God, knew that when He led one couple to this same business, when He led them to grow and speak from stage to thousands of people, that our friend would say one line that saved me. It brought me to my knees in tears and has since been repeated by me to others that have been touched. Who, but God, knew that “God never gives you a dream so strong to take away. Just believe!” would be the one thing I held onto that would eventually pull me out of my despair. I KNEW HE would bless us with a child.
Who, but God, knew that it would be 4 1/2 years of marriage life, of people wondering if we wanted kids, of sending two babies we never met, we never held, or named to Heaven, before we would learn we were expecting a baby we would meet, we would hold, and we would name. That pregnancy was one day of prayers after another. I think I was filled with pure joy and fear at the same time. That fear would have consumed me IF I did not trust that this time God was answering our dream. Who, but God, knew that when we held that beautiful boy in our arms that ALL Thanks and Praise went to Him and only Him. Then came the question of “how many kids do you want” came. You know after five years of waiting and losing two my reply was “As many as the good Lord give’s us.” I meant it with every part of me. My joy would not come from how many, but from Him. It had, too. I must add though that hidden still inside of me was a mourning for those babies that went to Heaven. Another post about coping with miscarriage will come at the end of this journey.
I am concluding this with saying that my Journey to His deliverance from the bondage of lose, fear, despair, guilt, and loneliness was just beginning. Who, but God, knew they amazing journey the Momma would be taken on. Who, but God, knew that people would think she was an odd ball for her passionate faith, for her decisions, and she would struggle with this as well. Yet, she had no choice to love the God that made her dream come true with that blond haired blue eyed beautiful boy.