A Servants Heart

Family Life, Journal, Reflections
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A servant is a person who does duties for others, a devoted and helpful follower. If we pause for a moment, we can all think of at least one person who we know that is always doing for others. Sometimes this person is doing for their community at large and other times they are doing on a smaller level. I recently read a book about All Saints Day to my 2nd grade catechism students. They were fascinated by how these saints were a beautiful mix of people who served in big ways and others that served in small ways. We discussed how many of the canonized saints did big things and even gave their lives, but others simply loved the people around them.

I have been reflecting on the life of my Gram. I am not sure she would ever call herself a servant, let alone a servant of God. Yet, that is exactly what she was. She was a servant to her family, church, and without even realizing it end up serving around the world. See like we believers are His arms and legs throughout the world my Gram is a servant around the world through each and every one of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Touching hearts in small ways reaches hearts for lifetimes in places beyond our reach.

My Gram found herself raising 8 children born within 10 years. As I understand it, they were active children that found all sorts of ways to have fun. She raised them by doing it all, cooking, cleaning, cutting hair, canning, and still attending church. Though she may tell you she only went to have time away for the peace and quiet. I always found it interesting that she and Grandpa took turns going to church until the kids had received their First Communion.

My Grandfather died in his 50s when they still had children at home and in their teens. So, now she is a single parent to those 8 children and some of whom are now married with children. She met the challenge of raising those kids and helping to care for her grandchildren. She was always cooking, cleaning, canning, cutting hair, and singing in the choir. I remember spending the night at her house as often as I could and attending Mass with her. It was so exciting to me to see her singing in the choir.

As time went on, she began to have what we came to call monthly birthday breakfast where we all gathered to celebrate all the birthdays of the month. There were piles of pancakes, eggs, sausage, and toast with homemade jam. If anyone walked into her home with us there, because so many others did make their way into our family, they would see her buzzing around making sure every need was taken care of. There she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying the rosary. I have fond memories of so many that were welcomed into our family because my Gram opened her heart & door to them.

As I grew older, I came to learn about what me Gram meant to others. It has been such a blessing to hear she was just always so kind. Or that she was just the sweetest lady. She was spreading love to her community when she played cards, shopped at the local grocery stores, and behind the counter as a bank teller. Even when she was doing that she was still cooking, cleaning, canning, and praying. She was just always willing to do for others but many times the way she DID for others was just showing love.

Looking at her children and my cousins I see hard workers, people who strive, but who are always willing to give. They give by opening their homes and cooking for members in their community. Like handing out food to the needy in the streets of Seattle. They give by cleaning in ways of helping a neighbor rake leaves, or like making sure people in poor communities have fresh water. They give by canning up the love she gave them and handing it out in heaping piles throughout all the land by smiling, hugging, sharing compassion, finding ways to be kind, and giving more than they receive. She set an example of giving in her way for the purpose He gave her and then her many arms and legs have taken that to a greater level.

Walking through my Gram’s home you will find Him in every room with sayings, statues, or other artwork. My Gram may not have told you to get to church but she set an example of someone that was fed at her church and spilled that into the lives of those around her. I later learned she prayed her rosary many times a day with the intention of her family. She trusted us all to Him and how hard that is to do. She sat in her chair praying for us . . . each and every one of us every single day. Look around and see what her prayers have done. I pray we all can pick up where she left off because there are still many generations to our tree to come.

At All Saints Day Mass, November 1, 2022, Father Cotter gave the best homily for me in that moment. He shared the stories for some great Saints that were martyred for their faith. He went on to say, “but today is not their day they have their own feast day. Today is for all the moms, dads, single men & women that all served Him in their small ways each and every day. Today is the day we celebrate those saints in Heaven.” That was special for many reasons because I had just labeled our Gram our Patron Saint the night before.

I end with . . . Gram she would ask, “What should I do?” several times during my time with her at the end of her life. She just wanted to be doing. I told her it was time for her to finally sit down at the table and rest . . . to sit at His table and rest. Once she said, “Who will do the dishes?” I told her, “Gram, you raised us well, it is our turn to do the dishes.” So, my dear uncles, aunts, and cousins I challenge you to pick up your towel and get the dishes done . . .the dishes of prayer, the dishes of serving your communities, the dishes of passing on the faith to all you meet, the dishes of welcoming others into your embrace, the dishes of being who she raised us all to be.

Holy Spirit Moments

General Thoughts, God and Country, Journal, Reflections, Uncategorized
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As long as I can remember I have had vivid dreams and sensations that someone was near. You know those dreams you wake up from and you can recall every detail right down to numbers and colors. Or those moments when the hair stands up on the back of your neck. Even when you get goosebumps when someone shares something with you. I bet others have JUST KNOWN they should do something and WOW later learn it was a good thing they did. How about those moments when an image flashes through your mind. I can’t be the only one. Whose with me?

I have had many moments over the past 30 years, but I will focus today on moments in the past 10 years. One day I recall feeling a great disconnect with God and frustrated in with feeling at my whits end. I was sitting in the middle of my living room and cried out to Him to show me my purpose. Just then a song played that told me my purpose for that season was to raise up my children to be Children of God.

Another moment not long after that I was once again praying in my living room (so strange since I spend the least amount of my time in that room). Feeling wrought with fear, anxiety, and worry. This was an ongoing fear for most of my life. I had lived with great fear of loss and anytime I prayed I heard in my head different versions of “you have nothing to fear” or “you all are guarded”. Yet, in this moment I just seemed to be so lost. I cried, “Lord, I am over this. I can not continue to feel this way. I will not pass this anxiety on to my kids. Please take it. Please show me, in my human weakness, that You GOT THIS!” I felt a wave wash over me. I turned towards a window that gave me a clear view of our entry door to see a soldier angel standing guard, saw flash in my mind of the same type of angels hovering around our house, and heard in my mind what seemed to be an audible voice, but was not, “Now do you believe me. Go be Bold! Your family is heavily guarded!” Those angels had the most beautiful wings with browns & golds that radiated light. The one at our door was armored up and I have since learned wearing the exact armor Paul writes about in Ephesians 6. It was within that year I had lunch with a friend, who without knowing this happened, grabbed my hand in prayer and said, “Be bold, Kelly, BE BOLD!” Well, that was my conviction. Boldness out of a person that spent years avoiding confrontation and living with fear of bad news was no easy transition.

It took about five years for me to get to a place where I felt more comfortable speaking up. Which is about the same time I restarted my blog. Also, around this time God placed a heavy burden on my heart, but before I get to that I want to share two other visions I had that are also connected. The first was before I went to vote in the 2016 election. I really struggled and prayed a great deal about this election. In my mind, there was no clear direction for casting my vote. I prayed without ceasing going up to the vote. I asked God to give me something to confirm my vote was the right vote and to trust that His will would prevail. As I placed my pencil down, I saw a white angel wing press down upon my hand. This confirmed I was casting my vote correctly. Then in March, 2019, my dearest friend went home to be with the Lord. In May of that year, I was back in church for the first time since her funeral, feeling her loss, and the weight of this burden I mentioned above. I was kneeling in prayer, asking God to once again show me He is in fact here working. To show me He is with me. To show me He needs me to be bold. I looked up to the front of our big, beautiful church to see the biggest angel hovering over our altar with wings spread wide and dressed again for battle. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out in tears from the sight of it. Tears did fall, but I kept them under control. To this day I believe it was St Michael the Archangel. I felt God was reminding me of this burden to pray, telling me it was time to pick up my sword, and sharing a grand message that He was engaged in a spiritual battle.

This burden I was led to pray about, that I saw everywhere in all areas of my life, the burden of division, of the great divide, of our inability to listen. Almost simultaneously I was drawn to the Holy Spirit. I felt like the Holy Spirit was the warrior our world needed. In fact, Jesus told the disciples he had to leave so the Spirit of Truth could come. Jesus knew we needed the Holy Spirit. I began almost a meditative prayer anytime I felt called. I would pray “Come, Holy Spirit, Come. Please move like a wave across our land revealing ALL truth. Opening all eyes, including mine, to the lies of the devil & all who do his will. Please Holy Spirit cleanse our world from all corruption & lies. Your people are hurting. Your world is hurting. Save us.” Then it happened one night while praying this, I saw a ribbon of light that was winding itself, like a figure-eight, over our land. I could feel a change coming. I thought it was a fluke thing until it began to happen over and over again. Then I began to see things coming to light in our world. Facts and evidence being revealed. In recent months, this vision has moved through the following phases to the one it is at today. From the figure-eight ribbon over the United States. Second, a circular ribbon flowing like a wheel around the entire earth that has gradually increased in speed. Third, a wideband still around the earth moving so fast you can barely see that it is moving. (The best I can explain this is, if you have seen the Thor movies and can visualize the bridge between worlds, that is what this looks like but wrapped around the world.) Fourth, the same wideband but racing on it, almost as if to keep it moving, was a silver-white pegasus with a male rider. Fifth, no rider, but a thin wheel moving extremely fast. Finally, the band is gone and there are two horses/pegasus racing around the earth. I can see dirt flying from their hooves. I can see they are larger than life on earth. I can see they are the white-silver one and a brown-gold one. I can see there are two riders. They are armored again like Paul describes to battle the enemy. I hear them calling us to armor ourselves up and prepare to battle the enemy.

It has been so surreal to watch these events unfold before my eyes and know that the Holy Spirit is at work in a big, powerful way. Here we are facing a great divide that stands to defeat us if we don’t armor up against the real enemy, the invisible enemy, that comes to seek & destroy. I feel like my role in this is to share my visions with you and to continue to pray for truth to be revealed.

I will end with this, I have also had several dreams and so have my kids. I will share those with you, but friends have shared with me other visions from different people they have read. One calls us to STAND FIRM as the waves come pouring in. Another saw a demon and when he asked the demon who it was the response was three things, but the greatest was GREED. The corruption to be revealed is rooted in centuries of greed by principalities & rulers of this world, that have sought to hold God’s people in bondage so they can control the wealth of the world. Only time will tell, but it is my belief we will see it all unfold at a rapid rate.

Remember Ephesians 6. It is time to put on your Armor of God!

Nudges From God

General Thoughts, Home Schooling, Uncategorized
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A great deal has been happening in the Knieper home the past six months, but before I get to all that I will give some of our back story in a quick paragraph. First, we started homeschooling in 2009 with our now 14 year old son. Over the course of our schooling we have had struggles with dyslexia. Next, we reached a stage where we decided I would look for some sort of job online to help out with things. I began teaching online classes for The Academy at Bright Ideas Press. I have loved it and have learned a tremendous amount. Finally, over the past two years our Meredith mentioned at different times she thought she would want to attend a school. We were okay with that, but wanted to give her more time to work through her dyslexia struggles and we wanted to make sure it was a Christian education. Also, during these two years I always felt like I was fighting to get into routine. Like we were always under a spiritual attack. I was praying protection over our family, finances, health, and homeschool. I just could not shake that feeling that something was not right.

Onto the past six months that will eventually overlap into events in that first paragraph.

On February 4, 2019 I had a dream of myself and my girls walking into a school. I woke up during the night startled. See I have had dreams in the past that have come true. I laid there thinking about my dream. I remembered the girls were dressed similar and were wearing blue. I remember trying to remember if Joe was with us. He was not, but I remember feeling like he was also in school. I fell back asleep and in the morning I was looking at my Bible App daily scripture. It was from Isiah 43:19 “I am about to do something new.” So, NOW I am definitely startled. Is God really talking to me through my dreams? Will we really have to end our homeschool journey? What about my online job that I love? About this same time my best friend’s health started failing so I was able to ignore that this was even a possibility.

Skip ahead to April when I noticed New Lothrop had a posting for a high school teacher, which I was relieved to see was not my certification. Relieved because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to work and put our kids in school. Yet, I found myself also a little sad I couldn’t apply. So, after mulling that over a bit I realized it might be worth looking to see what might be available. I mean…the dream, Meredith’s desire, and our prayers over our finances, etc.

Now we are in May and I decided to look again and notice TWO positions were available at a Catholic school in Lansing. BOTH were in my certification, but 45 minutes away. I spoke with my husband and his reply went something like this “No way! You are not driving to Lansing. What would you do about the kids? You’d have to leave at like 6:30. What about winter? I do not want you working full-time while I am on 2nd shift. It is too much! Maybe if it was at St. Paul’s we would consider it.” End of story…I am not sure he even took a breath. Ha!

Our June was extremely busy and kept my mind occupied with things other than a Ladies Weekend trip my friend from Owosso invited me on. I was interested in going, but too busy to think about it. Then I had been so busy I was thinking I may rather just stay home. BUT the trip NEVER left my mind or my gut…like I knew I had to go, but my flesh was tired. Ha!

Now we are in the 1st week of July and I am still going back and forth with the Ladies Weekend. I have some down time and up comes that dream again and my thoughts that God was truly doing something new. In all honesty though I was also afraid to let go of homeschooling…friendships, my shelves of curriculum, our time together, our individualized education, etc. All good stuff right? Yet, something told me I needed to jump in and let God have control. I looked again at jobs and Googled “Teaching Jobs in Shiawassee County”. You all … on that list was St Paul’s Middle School Social Studies Teacher. If you remember above that was the school my husband rattled off in his deep breath argument against the Lansing school. Of all schools…he mentioned St Paul’s…and NOW there is was a job at St Paul’s. I thought my heart stopped. I couldn’t believe it. THEN I realized I was excited. WHAT? Why was I excited? I don’t want a job, right? I couldn’t work full-time with Antony on 2nd shift. I would be running from 8am to 8pm every day. Plus, my ministry at our church what would I do there? I did mention it to Anthony. He was concerned about the same things…full-time, running kids every night, tuition costs for the girls, would pay be worth all my work, etc. So, for about 7 days we mulled it over and my head kept saying no, but my damn (sorry it is fitting) gut/intuition KNEW there was more to the story. MEANWHILE, my friend that invited me on the Ladies weekend and another friend attending are connected with St Paul’s. So, I asked them a few questions and asked them to PRAY for discernment. I was praying hard (had been for 3 months now) that God would open doors and close doors. I needed a clear path. Ha!

Now before I continue ALOT happened after this. It was back and forth fast. July 8 I had access to my online classes for the first time and learned my numbers were small. Was this a closing door? I am going on the ladies weekend, but still looking for a ride. I learn one of the ladies going TEACHES at St Paul’s. Really? Skip ahead to Thursday…I have a ride and we leave Friday…I am packing and find myself sitting at the computer revising my resume and submitting it for the job. WHAT? I am not really sure why I did it, other than I have really felt like God had a plan AND I couldn’t get answers to the unknowns unless I did. I wrote a 3 paragraph cover letter explaining why I was hesitating in applying, but ended it with “I am only applying because I feel like I am supposed to and I am well aware that sometimes what we want is not what God wants for us.”

We arrive to the Ladies Weekend and through the course of conversations I learned that the position was part-time and I had a better idea about the tuition expense. I kept texting my hubby, who kept replying “Great, but go have fun!” That Friday (the 12th) night I received an email asking if I would want to interview Tuesday, the 16th, at 9:30am. Everyone was very excited and began praying all the little details would work out and for my discernment. That night on FB I saw a prayer “Rest tonight knowing what is on your mind is in God’s hands.” I shared it the next day I couldn’t believe how fitting it was.

July 16th interview day. Everything went great!! Yet, my anxiety was high not really knowing how it went on their end. Then I kept telling myself “Whatever God had planned would be a blessing and perfect.” That weekend my two different devotionals focused on waiting on the lord…one Saturday and one Sunday. The most powerful line in Sunday’s devotion I read that night was “Remember you are waiting on the Lord.” I had an instant wave of peace come over me and KNEW the job was mine and God worked out all the details. I even have a text message trail to prove it. Ha!

July 22 on my 4 mile walk while I was ending mile 3 my phone rings. The principal was calling to offer me the part-time position and ran through all the details, which I repeated back to her, because I truly did not believe the blessings were real. I told her I would let her know that afternoon after I spoke with my husband and kids again. We hung up and I SOBBED…I know many of you know I am a crier, but this was different. I SOBBED. I almost got down on my knees right in the middle of the road to praise all He did. Instead I walked and praised and gave thanks. After we ran all the numbers we realized He DOUBLED what we had been asking in prayer for two years. Yep…there is that two years again. Almost to the day of when I started praying for it. I have a journal record to prove it. Ha!

July 23 TobyMac’s daily post was “Never be afraid to change, you may lose something good, but you many gain something even better.” There was my conviction…as if I needed another one…that it was ALL God. Add in our girls were very excited AND the dress code/uniform colors are BLUE, tan, and white. Recall my girls were wearing BLUE in my dream. God is GOOD! Yes, He speaks to us anyway He can reach you.

So, here we go on a whole new adventure. We are under no delusions that it will be an easy transition. We are praying for our protection since it is obvious God wants us there that probably means Satan does not. In it all though I know God’s plans for the adventure are ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

God is nudging you, too. Are you listening? He communicates through ANYthing to get your attention…people, music, books, etc. Are you feeling something in your gut? Are you fighting a “force” all the time and in constant frustration? Discern…is God sending you a message? This has been a VERY humbling experience and I can honestly say it has felt so good I hope more of His hand in our life is just around the corner.

I am praying for you all. Please pray for me?

 

 

 

For Nichole

General Thoughts, Reflections
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Below you will find what I wrote in the middle night after my sweet friend of nearly 30 years passed away and read at her service the evening before her funeral. Nichole used to call us “sister friends” because over the years we behaved like sisters. We fought, we spoke our mind, we cried with each other, we laughed until our sides hurt, we dreamed together, etc. One thing she always told me was that I had a gift of words whether spoken or written. I still doubt that and am trying really hard to have that faith in myself as she had in me.

A few years ago I woke up to the words “Finding Him Beside Her” running through my head … I assumed it was the title to a book about myself I was supposed to write. It has yet to get very far. Then other ideas about helping others share their story have come to me. Finally, when I was writing this you will notice that as I was typing the end I did not even think about it until the words were typed out “helping her find Him beside her” that I just let the tears fall. The Holy Spirit leads us and stays with us until we finally get it. I think this moment with Nichole has confirmed many things for me about my own journey, but first I need sometime to figure out life without her in it. For now please read the words that I believe she wanted to share with everyone. I believe there are still more things she will want me to share with you, but that will be later.

Hello my name is Kelly Knieper. I am a friend of Nichole’s, one of the sassy friends.

We have been friends since High School, but over the last few years I feel fortunate to have shared something more with her.

The summer after her diagnosed Nichole and I escaped to Tawas for a weekend. We had some pretty deep talks about death, friendship, faith, and other random girl talk. It seems that one of these conversations had me promising to never ask her questions and to let her be in charge of all conversation that revolved around her. I ended up promising her that the only question I would ask was “How are you today?” She laughed at that and then looked me straight in the face “I will hold you to that promise.” The next morning and days to come I wondered what I had done.

Well, guess what? You can learn a great deal about a person when you listen and watch them. Wait in the silence for them to share their heart. I did keep my promise I never had a clue what med she was on or when her appointments were. I HATED it at times. It was really hard living in a state of unknown, but what I learned about my dearest friend and what she asked me to help her with means so much more.

One day I received a text from her that she just finished reading a Karen Kingsbury book with some ladies at work. She knew I have read her books for years. She asked me why I did not do more to encourage her to read them before now. She shared with me how nice it was to read stories about people that struggled, but also had great faith. From that day forward I started to hear her talk more about faith. It was something different than attending Mass, or even just a general faith talk, it was more about who God was to her.

In the fall of 2017 we made plans to go to Nashville. A trip we had always talked about taking. In March 2018 she approached me about changing the dates of the trip to be able to attend a book signing by Karen Kingsbury. In all honesty, I did not want to switch the dates, because it would mean I would get home JUST in time for our dance recital. We were at the Barnes & Noble waiting and looking at books when the power went out. We waited an hour at tables wondering if the event would be cancelled. They could let us stay, but they could not let others in. Then Nichole noticed a pretty nice SUV pull up and IMMEDIATELY the lights came on. It was crazy. Karen shared with us that evening that on their way to the bookstore her husband felt the need to pray for the event. There were only about ten people in attendance that night so the event was set up like a round table type event. Listening to others share the impact her stories have had on their lives and hearing about the stories she was working on made for a very special evening. At the end of the event, Nichole and I walked out of the building to a FULL rainbow. Once we were in the car Nichole was very quiet for a while. Eventually, she said “That was a very powerful evening for me. I can’t quite put it all into words, but I do know that writers can change lives and I NEED you to write more. I know you do not believe in yourself, but I believe God gives you words. I love how you love Jesus, like He is your best friend. I also know that I want to learn more about that.” I told her, “You can! God is my Father, Jesus is my friend, and the Spirit is my guide. You can have that, too.”

The next day we visited a bookstore in Franklin that one of Karen’s books is based on. I felt so blessed to hear her having a wonderful conversation with the owner about his faith, asking him questions about Jesus, books, and sources she could learn more about having a personal relationship with Jesus.

Over those three years we also had many other conversations over breakfast, the phone, text messages that grew after each of our bigger events. One day we were at the Barnes & Noble in Flint (yea we liked bookstores) where she ended up asking me to go through the christian book section for more good fiction, devotions, some titles on healing some of her emotions, and what I may have read to develop my relationship with Jesus.

This past summer she mentioned her mom told her she should write a book, but she wasn’t sure about an actual book. She mentioned wanting to share her story though and asked about her and I doing some sort of blog together. We talked about a name and topics we would talk about. I had an event coming up at our church. So I gave her homework and we were to get started in October, but October came and went. We never did get past that point.

Today I think she would want everyone to know she came to know Jesus in a very personal way and THAT brought her a “peace beyond understanding.” I know that is why she was not afraid to go and why she knew everyone she left would be okay. Yes, we did have that conversation, too. If was brief, but we both had lost enough people we loved to know those left behind would be okay. She had come to experience His love and knew she was headed somewhere pretty special. Maybe that is why she asked me to help share her story 6 months ago. She wanted me here right now telling you that she knew you/we would all be okay, especially if we had Jesus by our side.

One last thing about her journey that I believe brought her to the point of asking me to help her find that friendship with Him. As some of you know Nichole was a big Wonder Woman fan. I on the other hand am a Marvel fan so I have a Captain Marvel story that I think describes Nichole. No spoilers…I promise! So, there is this scene where Carol (Captain Marvel) is held captive and being forced to watch scenes from her life. Scenes of people abusing her, of people bullying her, of people knocking her down, and of people telling her she wasn’t good enough. Then as a viewer you get a glimpse of Carol and you can tell she is getting stronger. Next back to all those flashbacks and what do you see, but Carol getting back up EVERY single time and FACING her attackers. That is the moment that Captain Marvel … well I did say no spoilers. Yet, I can tell you that scene will forever remind me of Nichole’s life and her strength. How no matter what people threw at her, did to her, said to her, etc she continually got back up and FACED everything head on. I recall a time she was doubting her strength and I reminded her all she had already survived. She had the faith all along…she just needed a little help FEELING it. So, I may have led her to finding Him beside her, but she taught me about being BRAVE … the past 27 years I watched her get back up and face life with grace, kindness, and forgiveness.

I love you my sweet, dear, beautiful friend. You better be at the gates to greet me!

 

“Why I Go To Church.”

God and Country, Journal, Reflections
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DISCLAIMER:  Hello! Welcome to my blog. I want all readers to be aware that my posts are about my journey, but are always written as thoughts come to mind. I do some editing, but for me it takes away from the emotion I am trying to convey. This the blog is ME … REAL and … well … RAW. I hope you enjoy my style. If not, there are plenty of us bloggers out there I am sure you will find one you enjoy. Thanks!

I have been working through many things lately as I sort through anxiety about being made to be uncomfortable. Since January I have been praying a prayer asking God to Stretch my faith like the man in Mark 3:5. Jesus said to him “Stretch out your hand.” The man did and he was restored. To me it isn’t the restoration … It isn’t the message the overall chapter sends to the pharisees … it is that the man KNEW what would happen by stretching out his hand … HE KNEW HE WOULD be restored. I have known for QUITE sometime I still had wounds to be healed, fears to overcome, but I never realized what I was doing wasn’t really getting me there. I realized it was one of those “Go Big or Go Home” type things. I know I am being called to certain things in my life, but I am also not ready, yet. I could sense God telling me now is the time … “Trust Me. Stretch out your hand.” So I did … in January and since I have been asking Him to stretch me….sometimes not wanting to.

In so many ways this year has been the hardest year of my life. I have hid it pretty well from the majority of people in my life or even glossed it over. I am unsure how many really knew how many nights or moments in my car I have cried from the amount of pain I was in … the spiritual and emotional pain of stretching has been almost unbearable. So, many times I cried out that I could not do this anymore and literally feel the air leave me with a “YES YOU CAN! Now keep coming … keep stretching we are almost there.” The number of nights I have been awake with full on anxiety attacks … visions of great things, but full anguish at what I was seeing that had to be done. One of those nights was last night …

I seen why … I seen where my heart is at … I seen why I have to keep moving forward … see I have looked into the eyes of nothing, I have seen what empty people look like, I have seen complete despair, I have felt shame, …. yet I also know a LOVE greater than it all.

I recall in my first 5 years of teaching some very powerful lesson happened for me that set me on my journey to peace within my self … to finding Him beside me … to NOW finding Him WITHIN ME!

I see the face on a student that did NOTHING in my classes. By nothing I mean NOTHING … no work, no talking, not a BAD kid AT ALL. I vividly remember giving him his papers one day and the kids (Some of his buddies) saying “Kaneeps (a nickname) why do you bother giving him papers  no one else does. He won’t do them anyway.” I replied without hesitating “Well, because I won’t give up on any of you and today might be the day.” That student stayed after class that day. I walked to his desk, turned a desk toward his, face to face we sat, and I said “One day you will make a decision to change things for yourself. On your journey I want you to see Jesus in me … that I can love you unconditionally because He does … You matter!” Tears streamed down his face and he said “Just you and one other person has ever told me I matter … Just you ever told me about Jesus and that you love me.” When I looked into his eyes I seen brokenness I had never seen before…emptiness that was filled with great sorrow.

I see the face of the student … students that have since taken  their lives. I see the faces of students who are now in jail. I remember faces of students that I suspected used drugs … that were so very very lost. Those faces haunted me then and haunt me still. I recall one morning feeling completely eaten up by it all … behavior, poor management, their lives, the struggles they faced, etc. I sat at my desk and asked God to show me WHY I WAS THERE!!!! Maybe I demanded it. I randomly opened my Bible to Esther chapter 4 and my eyes literally landed on “Possibly you were born for such a time as this.” Well, there you have it sister you have cried out, I have answered, and YOU ARE CALLED. I would never have survived those years without the co-worker of mine across the hallway. She showed me Jesus in such REAL ways. She led me to really face some raw stuff. Between the kids and her … I found a peace, love, and grace inside me.

Now after being home 10 years I still keep in touch with MANY of those students … it saddens me to see the struggles they still have, but I also see how some have turned things around and found JOY…found Jesus. Specifically I see the face of another student that was headed to major trouble if he didn’t die first … leave … turn his life around and become someone I admire. God’s Grace.

I seen that co-worker about 4 years ago over dinner. She told me to “Be Bold” … Not exactly my cup of tea. So much has happened over the past ten years of me raising kids … crying in the middle of my trashed living room with a 6, 3, and 2 year old racing around … crying out to God again “What am I doing wrong? Can I possibly be doing right by them? I feel so lost from everything.” When on my christian radio station played a song “Do Everything” by Steven Curtis Chapman … https://youtu.be/FEqdDdvFXZ0 … “You are picking up toys on the living room floor for the 15th time today” Can you imagine I was literally on the living room floor picking up toys. “Matching up socks sweeping up lost cheerios that got away” literally my kitchen was just as bad. “And while I may not know you I bet I know you wonder sometimes if it matters at all Well let me remind you it all matters just as long as you do everything you do to the glory of the one who made you cause he made you to do everything little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face and to tell the story of grace with every move that you make and every little thing that you do” …. I never heard the rest of the song instead I heard “I made you to be their Mom … I chose you … I came before you, I have been here already, I am ahead of you … I NEED you to be their Mom knowing all I know about your heart, the mistakes you have made and will make, I need you to walk with them on this leg of their journey.” That was 7 years ago. Still more growing has happened to get me to the past 9 months. That is when I found Him BESIDE me.

Almost a year ago now I became a leader of a ministry at our church and the current leader asked me to share some of my story with the group. I remember feeling great anxiety about it. I remember seeing a vision of myself peeling off a large scab … no band-aide … it was a crusted over wound that felt healed up, but it wasn’t … it was actually infected with fear, insecurity, doubt, shame, … out it all poured. So real healing could happen. This and the past 9 months … last night really was when I found Him WITHIN me.

So, why do I go to church … I go to church (with a lower case c) because His Church needs me…because of what His Church has done for me. That church I attend is His … not ours … it is His building that He opens doors so broken, hurting, sinful people can come to His altar to stretch out their hand to receive His restoration … His life saving Grace … His life saving offering. I go because there are so many faces pushing me to go … so many lost … so many that found hope because I allowed/allow Him to use me. See church is just a building that He uses to build His Church … to build His team … to build His army for eyes, ears, hearts, feet, and hands! When I attend Mass it is getting myself refueled to go out and allow myself to be used. These days church can be a dark place in itself … it has failed in many ways … ALL types of church has failed, but …. Attending is NOT ABOUT anyone, anything … other than Him and I. It does not matter what someone says or does … about who is there or who is not … about how the Mass goes … and really it is not about what church I attend … it is about SHOWING UP FOR HIM … for His Church … for the broken, for the empty eyes staring back at me, for the hurt, for the GRACE .. to restore my own brokenness so I can be His arms and reach out to those Stretching to me … those that have not quite figured out He is as there for them as He is for me.

Attached are 5 songs that I think will forever be a driving force in my soul … besides the one above.

Four Tools We Have To Help Us And Others

General Thoughts, Journal
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Something that has been rolling around in my mind lately is our willingness to help others or allow others to help us. Like always I find the best place to sort through things is right here typing it out. My Mom used to say “Sit Down let’s hash this out”. So, I guess I am asking you to sit down and hash this out with me.

For a while, now this has been in my head and then little things would pop up in life to make me realize my thought process might be on the right track. I often wondered why people would say to me “WOW four kids you must have your hands full, but not a one would offer to hold a door, carry a kid, or sit and just visit with me.” Or even people close to me would say things like “Oh we all did it. It’s like a right of passage to suffer when raising your kids.” Now I am not here to throw a pity party since I have become stronger in my role as a Mom and even in my health. Yet, those early years that started with a 4 year old, 18 month old, and infant were so stressful and emotionally draining. I did end up with stage four adrenal fatigue where my life had so taxed my adrenal gland that it was barely producing any cortisol. My immune system was a mess. I had horrific migraines. My emotions were up and down and all over the place. I was NOT a healthy Momma. Thankfully, I found a doctor, who figured out the problem and nearly 4 years later I am MUCH better. My adrenals will always be something I have to support and with other autoimmune issues my immune system will need a boost as well, but I know how to do all of that now. My point in sharing this was in the middle of it I did not know how to ask for help and no one noticed or asked if I needed any help. Maybe they did and maybe I refused. That leads me to ….

WHY DO WE REFUSE HELP?

I think for some we are in the middle of a mess and we just do not recognize we need help.

I think PRIDE has something to do with it. We feel admitting we need help demonstrates failure. I mean think about it growing up aren’t pushed to do things independently and some might be pushed harder than others or before they are ready. Sending the little ones the message that growing up means doing things all by myself. Is that really the message we want to send to our kids? I am asking myself, too.

Maybe we just do not want to inconvenience anyone. How many growing up felt like they were always bothering a parent? Told to leave Dad or Mom alone? Now we want those people to ask for help? They don’t know how or they were taught asking was bothering.  Again, maybe a bit of PRIDE is involved here. We are just to proud to let someone else help us.

Maybe it is because people have offered, but time and time again never really helped. So people gave up on asking. I wonder about this when I hear the same people say these two things…1) I am so busy always running 2) Anything you need just ask. My door is always open. … How can people help when they is so busy? I am talking about the real help. Not the band aide fix, but the walk through a season with someone sort of help. And if I need help why do I need to come to you? If you are offering to help me shouldn’t you come to me? I don’t know…hashing this idea out with all of you…Thoughts?

WHY DO WE NOT HELP OR SEE OTHERS HAVE A NEED?

Too busy.  Is our life so full that it has lost its richness? Its flavor? We just are so focused on today’s task we can’t see beyond our own to do list?

We make assumptions. Oh, they don’t need my help they have it made…they have a great family to help them…look at them they are the perfect couple/family….she always has it all pulled together….he has an amazing wife…etc etc Not sure, but could ENVY come into play here. We may envy a person for whatever situation and we let that blind us to the realities that person may be living in.

We choose not to see. Or we ignore. We are being lazy … SLOTHFUL.  Thinking someone else will take care of it.

Where are you at RIGHT NOW in this area of life?

So, with all that said or out of the hash table … what does it matter? Who cares if people are getting the help they might need? Who cares if I am the one helping them or if someone else does it? Well, if you want to explore all this as a friend, an American, or better yet as Christ would … let’s get another cup of coffee and sit back down to hash that out.

Hmmmm…. for me this quote speaks exactly how I feel about a friendship ” We need the comfort that comes in sharing history and being known. We need people who will wade into the middle of our stuff with us and help us fight our way through. We need those who know our kryptonite, what would easily destroy us, and lead us in the opposite direction.” (I found in my journal without an author name not like me so I am unsure whose words these are.) Are you this person in the lives of others? If you see the people you love destroying themselves would you step in and risk a friendship to lead them in the opposite direction? Would you help them whether they wanted it or not? Well….Kelly if they don’t want me help case closed. Really? Is it really over at that point? Or is that just an easy out for us?

Let’s address the American Way, but for me that mean’s going back to our roots … way back. Think of those very first settlers Jamestown and Captain John Smith or the Pilgrims. To keep it simple and straight to the point these groups of people would have died (and 1000s did) had it not been for the help of the Indians in their respective regions. The Natives had been down this road they new exactly how to survive this new journey the settlers were on. With that said in the beginning they were proud and wanted nothing to do with the native people. Quite frankly the natives typically wanted very little to do with the white man. Yet, when things became desperate for the white man they sought out the help of the natives and for whatever reason the natives in these cases chose to help. Yet, even in the middle of the suffering NOT EVERYONE in those groups wanted to ask for help. It took someone else to step up and risk their lives to ask for help. Fast forward to the American Revolution (again keeping things simple)… no way would we have won this war had the wealthy men of our country not sacrificed their riches, their pride, and the friendships with others in England. They wrote letters, risked their lives hiding ammunition’s and Revolutionaries, were killed for mutiny, lost everything … all because they wanted to willingly help the colonist’s and themselves to become a free country. We could keep going throughout our history about times that formed our heritage in which people HAD to ask or offer help. I think we as a society have strayed a bit and offer too much help now … but going too far with help might be another hash chat for later. So, as American’s it is in our roots to help others in need. We see that every time a major tragedy hits.  Event then do we do all we could do? I think though many of us are waiting for someone else to take care of the needs. Or we are ready, but do not want to make the first move. In terms, of reaching out to our neighbors … maybe we forget that fixing any problem starts with fixing the one in front of our face first.

Now for some thoughts from a Christian perspective … what does Christ call us to do? I reflected on this and somethings popped into my head about possible tools God has given us to aid in asking for help and reaching out to others. BEFORE WE go on STOP and reflect on this for a minute … IF WE ARE UNWILLING TO HELP OTHERS OR RECEIVE HELP, THEN ARE WE REALLY LETTING GOD INTO OUR LIVES?

Tool 1 PRAYER/SCRIPTURE – One verse I found Hebrews 2:18 “Because he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.” In the past 6 months I have been learning how to pray scriptures…to put myself in the word to enable me to see how God wants me to follow Jesus … so let’s do that Because I myself was tested through my suffering, I am able to help those who are being tested.  WOW>>>>ever think that out of our suffering God will call us to walk that journey with someone else?? If so, and we don’t … then what?? I often think the only way I can truly be rid of my own suffering is to give it to Jesus BY WALKING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Think about it when you help others doesn’t it usually make you feel like your own suffering isn’t really as bad as you thought it was. It’s because you take your eyes off yourself for a while. This my friends is where I believe compassion and empathy are born. True some are just born with an EMPATH personality, but empathy is something we develop…or better yet we EARN.  A friend once said about this idea of helping is “Christ’s message of love, hope, mercy, and compassion.”  Maybe use prayer to lead you on this journey of helping.

Tool 2 FASTING  …. What fasting? Fasting is when we initially suffer so we can lean more on God. So maybe we are just tired and it seems like we are always the one giving and never receiving. “I am sick and tired of sending notes, planning events, always being there for everyone else … WHEN WILL ANYONE DO THESE THINGS FOR ME!” Oh, trust me sweet friend I started heading down that path once and it was not a fun one. Recently, I read in my daily reading devotional Sacred Space “Like Jesus I am to be taken, blessed, broken, and given, until I am emptied out and yet mysteriously filled with love.” That is exactly what abruptly stopped my pity party all those years ago. Not those exact words, of course, but the idea at how much joy it brought me to encourage and love on others … to be a go to person for people in my life. Shoot to have even others who weren’t my ‘close friends’ know I was a person they could reach out to. I have been empty MANY times, but I promise you every single time I hit that mark and I crawl in my safe place to refill it is always the memories of the people that fills me back up. Jesus is our example for EVERYTHING.  Fasting DOES NOT have to be from food or money or drink. It does not have to happen just during Lent. Fasting is anything that leads you to need Him more. Fasting can and should be an all the time deal. Admitting with tears that this JUST hit me that I fast all the time … Friends when people ask me how I do it I now know the answer I FAST me time leaning of Him every step of the way and when I am REALLY empty He blesses me with TIME and a tremendously full heart.

So, how are we on the helping others scale?

Tool 3 THE HOLY SPIRIT … Ever wonder if maybe God is working in the life of the person ASKING to help you?? Maybe the person asking is struggling with something in their own life and the Holy Spirit led them to your door. Not because you needed them, BUT BECAUSE THEY NEEDED YOU. Just reflect on that …

Tool 4 THE CROSS … What if by refusing help we are refusing to let go of whatever is hurting us? We just do not want to let go of grief, the memories, the hurt, etc. Did you know that this is a reason why Jesus died … sins yes … but more than that to FREE US OF THE BONDAGE of all sorrow and pain. When we refuse to let go … let others help us … are we refusing Jesus? He is there no matter what, but the image I get in my head is like He is on the other side of a locked door that we refuse to unlock. All we need to do is let that person in that wants to help us and we might just be sliding the key under the door to Jesus. While saying “Lord, I am to scared to open the door, but here is the key help me let it go. Help me help myself out of the locked room of  _____________.”

So, when we do not participate in the circle of helping … receiving or giving … will someone get hurt?  What happens to the Tool Box we have sitting at our feet. Do they get rusty? Disappear?

I think it’s obvious to me … WE ARE ALL EITHER HURTING OR HEALING/HEALED … and the only way to truly complete the process is to continue around that circle. If you are hurting, then let someone help you SCREAM for help if you must. If you are healing/healed, then look around you for ways to encourage, love, and help others. Remember it can get messing, but you have been there you know. Maybe you are the ONLY one chosen for the task. What happens if you look the other way? What happens if you kick the tools to the curb? What happens if you refuse to unlock the door? Only you know those answers.

Three songs I leave you with that I reflected on while thinking about Jesus and Helping.

Jesus I Believe by Big Daddy Weave

Come to the Table by Sidewalk Prophets

Your Love Defends Me by Matt Maher

“So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.” Hebrews 4:16 

 

Thank You so much for helping me hash this out. Once again you brought me to tears as I realized some of my own things … I myself healed a little bit more today.

Please pray for me as I am ALWAYS praying for you!

 

 

 

 

Are Your Expectations the Problem?

God and Country, Journal, Reflections
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About a year ago I really started praying about my relationships with people and why some had anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, tension, etc. What God revealed to me was really not a shock, but was a light bulb moment that completely changed me and all my relationships. So let me explain …

I think the thing I love about the Old Testament Stories and the lessons we learn from the Pharisees attacks on Jesus were how God used people we wouldn’t expect (a girl like Esther, a simple soldier like Joshua), people we would judge (like the pharisees judged), people with a past (a prostitute like Rahab), etc. Thinking about these people and their stories and even the parables Jesus told, I became curious about what the word Grace meant in Hebrew or Greek.  I found that in the Old Testament the word used is chesed meaning deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It can also mean enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation. In the New Testament the word used is Charis, which focuses on the provision of salvation.

Let’s LOOK and THINK on that for a moment … chesed word in the Old Testament for Grace DELIVERANCE FROM ENEMIES … FROM AFFLICTION … FROM ADVERSITY.  So, by Grace I am delivered from my enemies, from affliction, from adversity. WHEN I extend GRACE (chesed can also mean forgiveness) I am DELIVERED. Are you holding onto unforgiveness that could deliver you … could FREE YOU?

NEXT LOOK and THINK about charis the New Testament word for Grace a provision for salvation … PROVIDES SALVATION … extending grace provides ME WITH SALVATION!!! Again, are you holding onto bitterness, anger, tension …. that if you extended grace/forgiveness would SET YOU FREE??

Okay, so after you have a hold of anything that is keeping you from real freedom move on in reading. 

So, I have in mind those people or circumstances that get me all hot and bothered … irritated … down right angry. Am I free? NOPE! Here is how He tied together my life verse and little tid-bits I pulled from Bible Studies. How He brought ME freedom from the bondage of my anger, bitterness, etc. So, here is what God revealed to me in that moment.

IT IS ALL IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF, OF OTHERS, AND OF EVEN ME, MY DAUGHTER!

I can truthfully say it wasn’t a shocker, but I did cry. Just let the tears fall as I seen everything in my life in a new and different way. As my heart softened toward every person in my life…in my world…in the world. NOW to add I am not talking about giving a free pass to evil … The Holy Spirit gives us Discernment for a reason. So, let me explain what I mean …

That person or circumstance that brings up all those negative emotions that let’s be honest keep us in bondage … keep us from truly living a full life…do we feel what we feel about them or the event because of our expectations of how one should behave? How the event should have gone? How evil the person was that violated you? How God took that person from here rather than protecting them or curing them? Etc…

So, really take time to think about that right now….how do your expectations of your self, parents, children, relatives, friends, neighbors, church members, leaders, etc….. play into those negative feelings? 

So, NOW you have the negative feeling named and you have identified your own ROLE in that situation. How your expectations played a part? Here now is where we get real … you can not control anyone ever!!

This is why God frees us by our own actions alone! So, someone violates you … by forgiving them does nothing for them it FREES YOU. By realizing you expect people to never hurt another person does not take into account the real power of evil in our world…it does not take into account the control mental illness plays in the lives of others. AGAIN … I am not giving a free pass, but what I am saying is God frees you when you forgive and LET HIM handle the other side…the other person. You get to move on and live the full life He has for you.

I expect God to take away all the suffering TODAY … I am me … He is God. He loves beyond my understanding. He knows beyond my understanding. He gave more than I can ever give. Who am I to expect anything more that what He promised with a Baby and a Cross … TO LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT.

So, here I am in my expectations … I expect myself to be my best ALL THE TIME, I expect my husband to be romantic and spend plan great date nights, I expect our parents to love taking the kids so we can have date nights regularly, I expect my friends to know I am in need of a hug or a text, I expect my kids to always be awesome, etc …. OKAY NOW I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD … I expect my neighbors to not be racist, I expect my government leaders to follow the Lord and do His will, I expect the people who disagree with me to know we both still deserve our rights, etc ..

I realized that these expectations were what was hurting all my relationships. I would get upset at a person for NOT doing or behaving what I expected of them and there a wedge would be built. Built on anger or frustration the devil will use because I opened the door for him to use it. These expectations of the people, who legitimately hurt me and deserved punishment. Here I expected that their punishment would set me free. Or I expected that person to be something they really never were. Regardless though … by focusing on the situation or the person and how I expected it all to play out I was not free. To be free I had to extend Grace … let go of my expectations and leave them to God.

So, is it clear yet how our expectations HOLD US IN BONDAGE …. are the problem? Maybe, but one more point … why our expectations are a bit silly when we think of how God has used people or circumstances to bring freedom…a freedom that changes worlds … that lasts beyond generations.

Now how he connected some dots for me … The past 5 years I have LOVED doing a Jesse Tree during Advent with our kids. I was just fascinated by the lineage of Jesus and the journey of our faithful ancestors while they waited thousands of years for a savior. That is powerful to me … THOUSANDS of years … I struggle with thinking we have only waiting 2000 years for a 2nd coming…THE FINAL coming.

What helped me get free was reading through the grace God extended in His journey to bringing us Jesus … in the people He CHOSE to use. When I look at this I get a clear image of how WRONG I am in expecting things of people when they are just unable to give for reasons I may never know. Or expecting people CANNOT do something because of my perceptions or what I expect of people “like them” when God has an awesome plan for them.

My life verse comes from the book of Esther. One day before my class had started I was praying and asking God why I was here … here teaching a struggling group of kids … here in my life facing what I was facing… I randomly opened my Bible to Mordecai telling Esther “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Different translations word it a bit differently …”maybe you were born for just such a time as this?”  I have looked at me life differently from that point forward. YES I WAS BORN IN THIS TIME FOR A REASON … FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. Esther was a simple girl, a Jew, that became a queen, a chosen queen. She was not only chosen by the king, but she was born for such a time chosen by THE KING to set her people free. A poor simple girl reached out from where she was to the poor and suffering to free them…to help raise them up. She set aside her expectations of herself, of the king, and she responded to God’s call and The Blessings came!

When I was studying the book of Joshua I met a prostitute named Rahab that stuck with me. When working on the Jesse Tree I came to understand why … she was one of Jesus’ ancestors. Yes, she was a desperate sinful women that seen these men planning their attack on her city, BUT somehow she knew they would in fact destroy her city. She helped them, she reached out and saved them, saved her family, … she was born for such a time and she responded to God’s call on her life. She was forgiven and she became a many Great-Grandmother to THE KING. God chose a prostitute to help carry on the lineage of Jesus. God chose a prostitute to help carry His will … to eventually bring me a savior.

Now I could share more stories for the imperfect people God chose to do great things, to be apart of Jesus’ lineage, but my point is … we hold onto so much because we expect so much or so little … God just wants us to be willing to be used. To be free of all bondage so He can use us to the fullest. To let go and willingly run into His arms and be blessed with a pure full unhindered love … a life beyond our dreams.

Now take some time to let go of expectations … let go of the emotions attached to them … focus on listening to His call … RUN TO HIM and say “Lord, I was born for such a time as this USE me!”

 

 

Can You Make Too Many Memories?

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Well, I am back to recording life and thoughts this morning.  Today I need to talk about why I haven’t been here most of the summer. Part of me wants to blame just this summer, but the past few weeks in my reflections I can honestly say it has been more like the past 18 months. It seems I have been running against the clock planning and planning ahead to “save time” later. Can we really save time? I think it’s like clipping coupons. We clip them and save, but most of the time the $10-$20 gets spent on something else. Same with time we prep meals, we stock the pantry and freezer, we plan our calendars (BTW I ALWAYS spell calendars calanders the first time … just being real and I wonder why EVERY SINGLE time), etc. This is me … this was me … it will be me again it’s who I am, but I am working on slowing down, being intentional about relaxing more, and cutting out the urgency to get things done.

So, back to our summer that started 18 months ago. My husband has worked 2nd shift 98% of the past 10 years, except when he was laid off for 3 years, which means I did the majority of the kid running, meals, home stuff, planning, etc. I will not say most of everything … I was tempted to, but he worked 6-7 days a week and 10-12 hour days. So, I did a lot around here, but in his few hours home he took care of the garden, cars, yard, and farming. Yet, since he was only home and awake a few hours at a time I never realized how much I did for our home and four kids. I just did them. Then over the past 8 weeks he has been home much more no longer working any overtime and working 1st shift. It is like I can breathe again. I just told my aunt the other day I still find myself walking through the house thinking I need to do something, but I don’t. I mean there are always things I could do, but I used to always have something that NEEDED to be done. Those things that should be done or I wanted to do rarely ever were touched. I no longer have that never ending list of items that NEED to be done. It gets done and sometimes there is time to spare. Still not much time for reading or watching my favorite shows, but the fact that I have favorite shows must mean I do get some TV time.

Yet, my husband’s crazy work hours were not the only thing going on, it was also the season of life we were or are in. Four very involved kids and our own desire to do certain things. In the past 24-18 months, I planned 12 birthday parties, 2 First Communions, 2 Confirmations, had 2 girls in 2 dance recitals, fundraisers for a black belt test, typical activities of karate, dance, riding lessons, scouts, catechism classes, sacrament preparation classes, vacations, VBS, county fair, and holiday prep. NOT COMPLAINING ONE TINY TINY bit it is our life and I love it. When I realized the other day that Spring 2018 would not include 3 birthdays, recital, AND Sacraments I let out a deep sigh of relief. That’s when it hit me that we have had a lot going on, but when I thought about what we could cut out I struggled with that.  The majority of what we do isn’t that it’s too much it was just the timing of everything.

Over the past 8 weeks we have discussed how to better plan out our 12 month calendar (I spelled it right maybe I just needed to confess) so we are not over scheduling our commitments or time. This year went like this March sons 12th birthday (cake here for a “drop in if you can” party and a friends Nerf Wars party), #4’s 4th birthday party with family, #3’s Confirmation and First Communion (and all the prep classes), #3’s 8th birthday party with family, 2 in dance recital, Up North vacation, Kentucky vacation, VBS week, fair week, prepping for a new school year, a day with the kids friends here, and then a 10 day UP/Wisconsin vacation. Now here we are rolling in our school year planning Halloween costumes, Christmas lists, my #2’s 10th birthday with friends (no friends parties until age 10 … one thing I never put on my plate) and haven’t thought about anything farther. So, we looked at that and said we decided to put on the calendar the things that just have to be done and decide from there if or what we add in. Granted dance, riding, karate, scouts, youth group, clubs, etc don’t have to be done, but they are limited to 2 things besides church stuff. So, with 4 it can be a bit much, but trust me they always WANT or should I say THINK THEY NEED to do more.

I will say we did have a great summer, but I feel like I never really relaxed to truly take it all in … So can you make too many memories? I think you can never make too many memories, but you can make too many plans.

A summing up with one more thought about this before I end … I know why we over do our planning. Do you? See my Dad died when I was 8 (our kids are 12, 9, 8, and 4), my husbands Dad always worked and died nearly 10 years ago. Time is important to us. My husband put it best a few months ago when he seen a friend of ours that is battling cancer. I could tell he was being thoughtful and said to me “I always think I don’t have enough time.”  Right….? We can rush around putting the spending of time off, because we are too busy trying to save time. And there you have it … we can be pretty good about our money and intentional about where and how we spend it, but are we intentional about how we spend our time. Is it quality time or just time spent?  See I think we really need to stop storing up … spending time to save or make money … spending money to save or spend time … LOOK BACK … Are you ahead? … Have your TRULY MADE more money or time? … Have you laughed with your kids? Your aging Grandparent? Had dinner with the parents? Taught your daughter how to use the camera she is always carrying around? Told them stories about when you were a kid? Caught fire flies with them? Made a meal for a friend that just had a baby? Offered to clean her house or do her laundry even though yours is piled high? Sent a card to say whatever needs to be said before it can’t be said?  …….. on and on I could go. I am speaking to myself as much as anyone else. Yet, I decided THESE were the things I wanted to teach our kids to do. Spending time and even money on time with the people God put in our lives and in our hearts. Being like Mary (not Martha) and taking it all in while we can.

Take moments to breathe, notice, take account, really be there, remember, and share.

God Bless!

I am praying for you. Please pray for me.

A Prayer of Release – Part 1

Family Life, General Thoughts
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Last week I shared an Introduction post that I would occasionally create posts walking through this prayer. Or more like walking through my journey with this prayer and how it has changed a great deal in my life … the life of our family.

Heavenly Father, (Lord of my tomorrow), I release to You the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You – all my worries, all my fears, (all my expectations). You have told me to not be anxious about anything, but rather to bring everything to You in prayer with thankfulness. Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You. I release to Your will all that I am trying to manipulate; I release to Your authority all that I am trying to control; I release to Your timing all that I have been striving to make happen. I thank You for Your promise to sustain my, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way. Amen! 

This part 1 post will be about why I chose to add the “Lord of my tomorrow” portion to this prayer.

Now it may not be accurate or proper to say Lord of tomorrow … when He is the Lord of past, present, and future, right? Well, for me I do my journal entry’s  and praying at night. Saying thanks for our day, praying over our prayer list, and asking for guidance for the next day. In those moments, I would sometimes find myself getting anxious of all that I had happening the next day or the entire week. Other times I would be beating myself up for poor meal planning, bad exercise habits, that another day went by and I did not do __________, etc. Suddenly, in one of those moments that I was feeling desperate and out of the blue (wink wink…right…a Holy Spirit reminder) I remembered how I should be giving my schedule, my thoughts, my insecurities, … my entire day the next day to Him. The words that came out were “Lord of my tomorrow” to just give Him the steering wheel. As I continued to pray this those words I started to realize how often I think about time beyond the moment, beyond the next day, and into the week. I was taking my eyes off the moment and the time right in front of my face, because I was focused on my to do list or events coming up. From that moment I go rid of my to do list and trusted Him to lead me each day to what had to be accomplished that day. Oh, trust me at first letting go and giving Him control of ‘my tomorrow’ was scary. I mean “how would I remember to do all the necessary things Lord without a list.”  “Oh, wait, Lord, how about I just pray about my list and you lead me through what I need to put on that list.” After a little while I can not explain how wonderful things were not having a list and coming to realize I was able to maintain a household without a to do list.

NOW IN FULL DISCLOSURE… God has perfect timing having me write this blog tonight. Why? I have a to do list on my counter right now. I realize that starting back the first of May our schedule of events just spun out of my control. So, guess what I apparently did was take control by adding a to do list back to my day. JUST TODAY I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated … like I was battling someone or something. I sat down and said “Lord, you know that I know when I feel like I am battling it is because I am … my flesh is battling my calling. So, please show me what my flesh needs to ditch. What else do I need to cut out of my life that is holding me back.” Guess how He chose to answer that prayer …. getting me in front of the computer to “blog it out”. So, the ditching begins. There are too many things that are so important to me, but I have allowed other things to take priority over them. That might be another blog in the future.

Hoping my look at this prayer AND rambling about my own life shines a light into yours. As always I am praying for you would you please pray for me? Good Night!

My Favorite Compliment From Our Kids

Family Life, General Thoughts
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Just some fun tonight … short and sweet…

So, when I was teaching the favorite sound my classroom of students could make was laughter. I LOVED hearing them laugh. If I could share all the crazy things I would do to get them to laugh I would. It was one of my goals each day to make them laugh or at least smile. My other goals where to love them, show them Christ by actions, and hopefully teach them.

Well, I have carried those three goals into my days as a home school Momma. First, to show them Christ with Love. Secondly, to hopefully teach them, but more than just curriculum. Finally, as often as possible to make them smile, roll their eyes while trying to hide a smile, and out right laughing. We dance. We make funny faces. We talk funny. On and On.

So, my favorite compliment is when, like my students before them, they call me a WEIRDO while giggling so hard.

To me that one word means so much. Why? Because I want them, next to knowing about Christ, to remember LAUGHING WITH THEIR MOM. I want them to remember my smile, not my scowl. I want them to remember the sound of my laugh, not my yelling. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

I still do not feel like we laugh enough, but we are a work in progress. How would you rate the laughter level in your home? Maybe review it.

As always I am praying for you, please pray for me. Good Night and God Bless!

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